Undoing Crazy

Let’s spread love, not hate….

I’ve been hearing a lot about the new show Lindsay on the OWN network, especially on the radio (basically my only source of news and I only listen to it in the morning on my hour and half commute to work.)  I have to admit, the response is not what I’m hoping to hear.  Not one comment on the show in a positive light.  And it’s very clear to see that the world still isn’t very open minded about mental health. It makes me sad that just because someone has money and access to all the luxuries in the world that they can’t possible have issues.


I’ve started reading a book called The Mirror Effect by Dr. Drew and he discusses Lindsay in his book and how the world should have empathy for them. I happen to agree.  I’m not saying to take pity on Lindsay, but I do think for the most part she is trying.  The majority of the people in the world don’t realize how hard it is to recover from mental illness.  It’s a lifetime process that never ends.

Another thing they (the radio announcer) criticized was Dina Lohan’s interview with Oprah. They said that she just took everything Oprah said an emphasized it back to her.  Oprah asked if she was happy that Lindsay was closer to home and if she was worried she would relapse again. Really???? If Oprah or anyone else were to ask my parents the same questions, I’m sure they would respond in the exact same way Dina did. No, I do not think she was being dramatic. Seeing the struggles my family has gone through regarding my own mental health, it’s just as hard on your family as it is on you.

On the show, Lindsay doesn’t want to go in to too much depth about her recover. She explains that it is sacred to her and I think that should be enough, but instead someone comments and wants to know why it’s sacred.  This person has obviously not had any mental health struggles.  She also expresses that she doesn’t want to be filmed going to AA or NA (not sure exactly which one she attends) but this is completely understandable.  The entire premise is that it’s anonymous, if it’s filmed, it takes away from the anonymity.

In summary, I don’t think that anyone that hasn’t been through their own mental health struggles has any right to comment on someone else’s journey to wellness. We all take our own path and it’s up to us to find what works for us and what doesn’t.

And also, dammit Lindsay, show up when you say you are going to show up!!!!

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When you feel your dreams are dying, hold tight….

Today is the day, it’s the beginning of the year that will truly test my determination.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off, but I’m going to work my butt off.

Still can’t give details of what exactly is going down, but hopefully it will bring much needed change for the better to my life.

Feeling kind of crummy lately and really don’t want to go back on psych meds so I’ve started taking St. John’s wart. I took some before bed last night and had a somewhat better day today.

Can anyone give some tips on how to wake up early???  I drive an hour and a half to work everyday and waking up in the morning to go to work is always a big task. I’d love to wake up and make myself look better and play with makeup styles but my motivation is not there at all.


No title

I scheduled an appointment with my therapist Friday morning and I was starting to feel better until I came home Saturday morning and someone had decided that I had taken long enough to clean my room and took it into their own hands. The joys of living with your parents.

On a positive note, I’ve come up with a goal to work really hard on. And considering my new bill my father gave me I’ll have to work extra hard. I can’t give too many details right now but it’s gonna be a drastic life change.

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Falling apart

I think I’m falling apart again.

I’ve had two panic attacks so far this week. And the suicidal thoughts have come back.

They started this morning. after I came to the conclusion that I have three people in my life who actually return my messages.


Another update

Why do weekends go by so fast?  I can’t wait to retire, or at least find a job that I don’t dread going to everyday.

There’s several things I don’t like about my life right now. 1) my job. 2) the messiness of my area. 3) my lack of being a female. 4) all of my emotional issues that keep me from forming and keeping friendships. 5) living in the midwest. 6) my lack of money. 7) not writing even though I enjoy it. 8) not working out.

I suppose I’ll work on the thing that’s the easiest to change off hand and work on my room slowly but surely.  I need to take time out EVERYDAY to work on it.  Not just when I feel like. I think even just taking five minutes a day will make a big impact. Not as big as buckling down, but I’m just not that great at buckling down on things.

I’ll let you know the status of the clean up in the next couple of posts.


Follow Up

I find it quite ironic that my last post was exactly a year ago today. It’s crazy how I find myself repeating things like that. In fact, I’m still struggling with the same issue from my last post. Since then, he has reconciled and once again decided to completely leave me behind.

I’m still working the same job and have since moved three times to place me back into my hometown and living with my parents. Not the ideal situation on many levels including an hour and a half commute.

I’ve been struggling with my identity lately.  Hoping that a trip to Las Vegas would help put me in perspective, but only brought me back to reality with a stomach ulcer that’s kept me from work for a week.

Does anyone else just wish there could be a sign to point them in the right direction?

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Dear Borderline Followers

How do you cope when you’ve been talking to him everyday for years and he tells you you can’t?


Thank You

I received my 40th follower this morning.

I’m so excited that many people want to listen to what I have to say.

Thank you again

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Just when I was up I get dragged down

Because I’m not sure who reads this blog, I’m not going to go into specifics about exactly what happened last week. Although I promise to mention it to my individual therapist. I did skip group therapy tonight as I had the day off and the weather was bad and really I just didn’t want to leave the house.

Last week, Valentine’s Day to be exact. Which I should mention I decided not to be a grouch about still being single, but in a meeting one comment could almost drag me back to the hospital. I received a first shift position at my job due to a previous operator’s resignation. He was notorious for being a bad operator, with almost daily paperwork errors and “surprises” for the next step in our jobs. An ex boss made a comment about how this year’s numbers aren’t as good because this guy was a better operator.

This put me in an instant bad mood. All day it was all I could think about, then my press went down. The next day I ran a machine I haven’t ran since last September and wouldn’t you know, I messed up a job by overlooking telescoping rolls and had to throw a lot of it away. The more I threw away the more upset I got. I had to leave the room to cry, I considered asking to leave but just couldn’t face my boss. All I thought at the time was that I should be better by now.

I’m not sure how tomorrow will go if the guy is there again but I’ll have to face him for a while so I better swallow my hatred for him and just tell myself to deal with it.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. I LOVE it. Although some parts have absolutely horrible acting.

I bought myself a pack of 80’s Glam sharpies and to my sadness they bleed through my Moleskine. I bought a mixed media sketch book so hopefully that will work and I shall pour my thoughts while also writing a book with it. I’m excited about the project.

Through twitter I heard about this show called My Mad Fat Diary I watched the entire thing today and enjoyed that as well. If you have about six hours, check it out. It’s on YouTube. Be careful though, it can be triggering.

I suppose that’s all, thanks for listening.


Feeling Up

Today is the first day in a long while I have actually felt, calm. For the most part, I’m really trying to limit my texting to G. I wanted to go two days without doing it or just wait for him to text me but I texted him telling him I was sorry I told him I hated him. Personally, I don’t think that counts, it was a three message exchange and it was done. I’ll give myself a pass.

I really need to get back in the pool, almost went today but I didn’t. I bought a mouth guard to train with the Roller Derby team by my parents house on Thursday. I need to call and make sure they are still having practice though due to the holiday.

Surprisingly, I’m not bitter about the upcoming holiday in which I’m reminded how many years I’ve spent single. I actually plan to post my favorite love songs on Facebook for all to enjoy.

Thanks for reading.

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