Undoing Crazy

A message to my fellow bloggers, an apology.

When I started this blog, I wasn’t sure what to expect if it would be full of hate mail or if no one would read it at all. I thought the worst, but what I got was a load of support in ways I had never imagined.

I wish that right now I could read everyone’s posts and get all that I can out of the blogging community but while I’m staying at my mother’s house the internet isn’t as reliable as I’d like it to be.  Even the internet on my phone there is unreliable.

When I’m back at my house and it is clean the way I would like I’ll be able to read and comment away. Until then I will only be able to write and comment sparingly and I apologize for that.


A typical borderline.

I had a breakdown of mental and emotional proportions yesterday. (if that’s even possible)  The person who sees the bulk of my borderline behavior is my best friend.  It doesn’t help that I have mixed feelings about him all the time.

Yesterday and the night before I had mixed feelings, I had it in my head that I wanted and needed him to be my boyfriend or at least tell me that one day we had the possibility of getting to that place. He refused to and in turn I said some nasty things that although true, I never would have said to him because I know it’s a soft spot for him.

When he acknowledged the rudeness and told me to leave him alone I began to beg and plead for his attention back. “I didn’t mean it, you’re the best person ever, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  Right now, I’m not sure how to reflect on my actions and I’ve tried to make an appointment with the lady about DBT who seemed very enthusiastic at the time, but now I’ve called and called with no return call.  It’s driving me even more crazy.

I definitely feel like I need therapy more than once a week.  And this week without therapy is already proving to be a hard time.  After I realized the error of my ways last night, I needed something. I really wanted to get laid but knew that couldn’t happen with the person I wanted it to, so I settled for a mini-shopping spree on books about borderline personality.  One of which I already own, but can’t find.

I feel like I’m going crazier than before.

Leave a comment »

It’s been confirmed…

I do indeed have borderline personality disorder, I’m not sure how I feel about that.  My stomach is in knots and it is going to be hard to deal with.  I’ll start DBT skills training in two weeks. It’s all just crazy, I wish I had a book telling me how to deal with all the emotions that are going through my head and realizing that that is how I act and how others perceive me.  It opens your eyes even wider than they were before.

Again, sorry for the lack of update. Hopefully this week as I read me about the disorder  I’ll be updating more.  I’ve mostly just been feeling blah and with lack of reliable internet at my parents and now the end of the channels that I used to watch, I’ll have plenty of time on my hands.

In other news, Friday the 13th did strike on me. My poor little Stella has an ear infection.  Hopefully the spray that I bought for her will help her feel better.


Borderline Personality?

I found out today there is a possibility that I could be a borderline personality.  I’m not sure how I feel about this.  I just want to find out what’s wrong with me. I’ll have to wait till the 26th to talk to my psychiatrist again. I should fill out the evidence I have to support this theory.

Leave a comment »

Missing blogging and a game

I haven’t been able to blog much due to my parents having a horrible internet connection, I’ve only been able to go online sparingly but it hasn’t been too horrible. The only thing I’m really missing is this blog.  I could do without Facebook completely.  My treatment is going well, I really feel like I’m finally starting to breakthrough and acupuncture has helped my neck pain so much.  I start IOP next week and I’ll be going three days a a week and seeing my therapist the other two.  Right now, I just need to go over my notes and practice things.

Rules –

  1. You must post the rules
  2. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post
  3. Create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged
  4. Tag (eleven) people with a link to your post
  5. Let them know they’ve been tagged

Here are my answers to the questions posed by WeeGee:

  1. What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given? To live one day at a time.
  2. Are you a dog person, a cat person, or some-other-kind-of-animal person? Dog and guinea pig person, really I love most all animals.
  3. What is your opinion of mushrooms? Not my cup of tea.
  4. Could you recommend a good book please? I’m currently reading Prozac Nation, but it’s not keeping my attention. I love the Dexter series by Jeff Lindsay.
  5. What’s your motto? Live one day at a time, although it’s not always easy to follow.
  6. Is it okay to lie to spare somebody’s feelings? I try to never lie, and when I do it eats me up until I have to admit that I lied.
  7. What’s the best thing about blogging? Being able to belong to a group outside of my therapy group.  Most support groups meet at night and when I go back to work I won’t be able to get as much group therapy as I would like, this has been helpful in providing some of that extra help.
  8. Could you tell me a joke or share something funny? 
  9. Is there something that you don’t like but wish that you did? My skin.
  10.  What would you do if you found a ferret in the street? I would probably leave it be, ferret’s kind of smell funny.
  11.  What should I ask if I really want to get to know you? Anything you want.

Here are my eleven questions:

  1. What kind of computer do you do your blogging on?
  2. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
  3. What is one thing you can’t live without?
  4. Could you recommend a good book please?
  5. What’s the best advice you’ve been given regarding treatment of your mental illness?
  6. Are you a Starbucks person? If so, what is your favorite drink or treat?
  7. Do you have a special spot you go to to blog?
  8. What is one thing you are proud of?
  9. What is your favorite car?
  10.  What would you do if you could do anything?
  11.  What should I ask if I really want to get to know you?

And here are the bloggers I’m tagging (note to people I’m tagging, no need to feel obliged to take part I just thought it was good fun)




Halfway Between The Gutter and the Stars

Take a Ride on my Mood Swing


Leave a comment »