Undoing Crazy

A stay in the hospital…

I promised I was back, and then I disappeared again.   Well, I spent the last seven days in the hospital. I can’t believe that wanting to cut yourself can give you a seven day stay in the “wellness facility.”  I want to clarify, because my last post was a little confusing; I had thoughts of dying, not of suicide and I just simply had the overwhelming urge to cut myself not to die but to know what it feels like.  I’ve had thoughts like that before, but never so strong.

I think I was just overwhelmed by my thoughts.

Being in the hospital is enough to drive someone in there in the first place.  There’s so much time on your hands and if you spend that extra time in your room sleeping, you’ll stay there longer.  I can’t believe the point system is actually true, except at the hospital I was at you can’t go outside no matter how good you are.

Overall though, I feel much better.  No thoughts of self harm or suicide and I even gained some hope of getting better.  I finished an entire journal while in there, I have a lot of insight into my behaviors now and what sets me off.  Now, to handle it in the future.  I’m also considering some form of spirituality.  Not sure exactly what, I’m thinking maybe Buddhism. I’m still unsure.

Thankfully, my Stella has even gotten better since I was gone. Although, the girls didn’t eat much they missed their mommy as much as I missed them.


I want a sponsor I can call on any time of day

I’ve been feeling terrible the last couple days, maybe it’s just returning to work but I’ve been feeling a lot like dying and cutting myself. I’ve never cut myself before, but working with razor blades makes it so enticing. It’s hard to tell friends or family who haven’t gone through it about it, they all say “just think positive” if only I could.

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First day back at work….

Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  Everyone was very welcoming, I even received a few hugs. Almost everyone said “hi” and the ones that didn’t I didn’t try to take so personal.  We had a fire drill right away and a few people joked that they were going to blame it on me.  “Right, blame the crazy girl” is what I said back and they replied with “everyone is a little bit crazy.”  If only everyone had labels for their version of crazy, maybe I would feel better when I hear that.

I’ve been very hesitant about dating while I’m in recovery, every person that has been interested in me I’ve been very straightforward and honest with.  Last night, in a roundabout way I asked a guy if he would consider dating me still. (I know that he expressed wanting to before, while I was still very hesitant)  He said he would rather we just be friends and that he needs time to figure out what he wants and how he can get it.  My question is, did men learn this in school? That’s the second time I’ve heard that excuse to not take the next step.  Ugh.

Looks like I’ll be single for a while still.  I suppose, it could be worse.

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I’m back, and update….

I finally have official diagnosis’, I have; moderate recurrent major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.  Wow, what a mouthful.  This happened yesterday, I kind of had an idea that my brain needed some work. I wasn’t expecting the GAD diagnosis, but considering that I worry about everything I suppose it should have been obvious.

The hardest part now isn’t learning about what’s wrong with me, it’s accepting what’s wrong with me and the fact that I still have a lot of work to do.  Dealing is the hardest.

Today I also return to work, I’m petrified.  I had to take an Ativan last night just to sleep and I took one today in hopes I can be calm and prepared.  I bought a few things to keep my hands busy when I’m nervous. Hopefully I won’t beat myself up too bad.  My assignment from my DBT therapist is to not judge myself and my assignment from my main therapist is to keep reading and learning about BPD.

My neck was killing me over the weekend so I got acupuncture this morning, my neck feels great now.  I love cupping.

I’ll be back and updating most everyday now that I’m back home.  Hope you’re excited to hear from me.

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