Undoing Crazy

When you feel your dreams are dying, hold tight….

Today is the day, it’s the beginning of the year that will truly test my determination.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off, but I’m going to work my butt off.

Still can’t give details of what exactly is going down, but hopefully it will bring much needed change for the better to my life.

Feeling kind of crummy lately and really don’t want to go back on psych meds so I’ve started taking St. John’s wart. I took some before bed last night and had a somewhat better day today.

Can anyone give some tips on how to wake up early???  I drive an hour and a half to work everyday and waking up in the morning to go to work is always a big task. I’d love to wake up and make myself look better and play with makeup styles but my motivation is not there at all.

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I scheduled an appointment with my therapist Friday morning and I was starting to feel better until I came home Saturday morning and someone had decided that I had taken long enough to clean my room and took it into their own hands. The joys of living with your parents.

On a positive note, I’ve come up with a goal to work really hard on. And considering my new bill my father gave me I’ll have to work extra hard. I can’t give too many details right now but it’s gonna be a drastic life change.

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Falling apart

I think I’m falling apart again.

I’ve had two panic attacks so far this week. And the suicidal thoughts have come back.

They started this morning. after I came to the conclusion that I have three people in my life who actually return my messages.

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Dear Borderline Followers

How do you cope when you’ve been talking to him everyday for years and he tells you you can’t?

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Just when I was up I get dragged down

Because I’m not sure who reads this blog, I’m not going to go into specifics about exactly what happened last week. Although I promise to mention it to my individual therapist. I did skip group therapy tonight as I had the day off and the weather was bad and really I just didn’t want to leave the house.

Last week, Valentine’s Day to be exact. Which I should mention I decided not to be a grouch about still being single, but in a meeting one comment could almost drag me back to the hospital. I received a first shift position at my job due to a previous operator’s resignation. He was notorious for being a bad operator, with almost daily paperwork errors and “surprises” for the next step in our jobs. An ex boss made a comment about how this year’s numbers aren’t as good because this guy was a better operator.

This put me in an instant bad mood. All day it was all I could think about, then my press went down. The next day I ran a machine I haven’t ran since last September and wouldn’t you know, I messed up a job by overlooking telescoping rolls and had to throw a lot of it away. The more I threw away the more upset I got. I had to leave the room to cry, I considered asking to leave but just couldn’t face my boss. All I thought at the time was that I should be better by now.

I’m not sure how tomorrow will go if the guy is there again but I’ll have to face him for a while so I better swallow my hatred for him and just tell myself to deal with it.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. I LOVE it. Although some parts have absolutely horrible acting.

I bought myself a pack of 80’s Glam sharpies and to my sadness they bleed through my Moleskine. I bought a mixed media sketch book so hopefully that will work and I shall pour my thoughts while also writing a book with it. I’m excited about the project.

Through twitter I heard about this show called My Mad Fat Diary I watched the entire thing today and enjoyed that as well. If you have about six hours, check it out. It’s on YouTube. Be careful though, it can be triggering.

I suppose that’s all, thanks for listening.

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Haven’t been feeling very great about myself lately. That’s why I haven’t really said much. Been laying in bed self loathing and fighting with my friend about how he’s not giving me enough attention.

I have poor social skills.

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Self compassion and myself

I have a really hard time with self compassion, this may be a big reason why I can’t get any man on the face of this earth to like me.

I can list a million things that are wrong with me and only a couple that are admirable traits. Yet I can tell complete strangers to have faith in themselves when I don’t have complete faith in myself. I can also give strangers compliments like no tomorrow but can’t give myself any.

I’m not sure how to go about changing this, it’s just been how I’m feeling lately. Or maybe because I can’t get a man I feel worthless. I know I’m not supposed to judge my worth based on other people but it’s really hard not to.

On a side note, I’ve been having a lot dreams lately that center around a school. Different parts of school, last night it was a gym class and I also keep having a recurring dream that my favorite old teacher is hosting a convention with my director of HR. Dream moods.com says To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
Both could really be feasible.

Last night my father made a comment about how he can’t believe I still have a job because I’ve missed so much work. This did not help my state of mind as I’ve already been feeling guilty about this and feel guilt and shame about it on almost a daily basis. I just keep hearing the words from my review and worry that they’ll come up again. Oye! So stressed.

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I want a sponsor I can call on any time of day

I’ve been feeling terrible the last couple days, maybe it’s just returning to work but I’ve been feeling a lot like dying and cutting myself. I’ve never cut myself before, but working with razor blades makes it so enticing. It’s hard to tell friends or family who haven’t gone through it about it, they all say “just think positive” if only I could.

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A typical borderline.

I had a breakdown of mental and emotional proportions yesterday. (if that’s even possible)  The person who sees the bulk of my borderline behavior is my best friend.  It doesn’t help that I have mixed feelings about him all the time.

Yesterday and the night before I had mixed feelings, I had it in my head that I wanted and needed him to be my boyfriend or at least tell me that one day we had the possibility of getting to that place. He refused to and in turn I said some nasty things that although true, I never would have said to him because I know it’s a soft spot for him.

When he acknowledged the rudeness and told me to leave him alone I began to beg and plead for his attention back. “I didn’t mean it, you’re the best person ever, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  Right now, I’m not sure how to reflect on my actions and I’ve tried to make an appointment with the lady about DBT who seemed very enthusiastic at the time, but now I’ve called and called with no return call.  It’s driving me even more crazy.

I definitely feel like I need therapy more than once a week.  And this week without therapy is already proving to be a hard time.  After I realized the error of my ways last night, I needed something. I really wanted to get laid but knew that couldn’t happen with the person I wanted it to, so I settled for a mini-shopping spree on books about borderline personality.  One of which I already own, but can’t find.

I feel like I’m going crazier than before.

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“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”

The title of this post is a quote from Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel, my current read.

A week ago today, despite everyone’s advice against it: I decided to stop taking my meds.  In all fairness, I was already feeling horrible and slept through my medication alarm on my phone and when I woke up the next morning (Tuesday, my birthday) I was feeling fine and thought I could handle not taking them.  I went to work all the while telling myself that I could make it without meds, and that I could pretend I was doing just fine even though I was falling apart on the inside.

Work started out fine, then about an hour in I started crying for reasons I can’t explain.  Then, I started to think about the meeting I had the day before about a job I had messed up before I went on leave and thought about the fact that I had delayed pediatric luekemia patients their last chance drug because I didn’t ask questions about the barcode. I also thought about the fact that I am feeling hopeless because I can’t find meds that work for me either.  I’m not a leukemia patient, but at times this thing that lives in my head seems just as bad, like it could kill me at any time.

I left work after my boss saw me crying and suggested I go home to try to deal with whatever was going on with me. (I still can’t tell you why I cried although I have a feeling it may be all the pent up emotions that I should have been feeling that my meds weren’t allowing me to feel.)  I took Wednesday off as well and went to group therapy at night hoping it would have the same empowering effect as it did the week before, sadly it didn’t.

Thursday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 10:20, at 10:35 I still hadn’t been in to see him and a guy randomly showed up to talk to him about issues he was having with his medication and he pulled him in his office to talk to him.  At that point, I was irrate. I was having issues with my meds too, and I had an appointment!  Finally at 10:45 I went into his office and just went off telling him that I was still mad and that he wasn’t listening to me and that I needed new meds. Sadly, he took me off Effexor and kept me on the antipsychotic for schizophrenics that I feel isn’t doing anything but making me fat.  Now I’m on the antipsychotic twice a day, Cymbalta at night, and Ativan when needed.  I had an appointment with my therapist at 11 so I couldn’t stick around and have the session that I truly needed to have because he has no concept of time.

I made it to my therapy appointment with a little time to relax and try to cool down from yet another terrible psychiatrist session.  When my therapist called me back to her office she asked how I was doing and I just let out a huge sigh.  When I explained to her what was going on and that I had thought about admitting myself to the hospital on my birthday she immediately took me out of work and told me to go back to IOP. Actually, I’ll be starting PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) tomorrow.  It differs from IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in that it last longer through the day and you also see a psychiatrist once a week.  She even said that hospitalization could be a good option for me to get my meds straight the quick way.  I decided to save the hospital for when I really feel like I want to jump off a cliff again. (Which, the suicidal ideation came back last night)

My sleep is starting to be completely off and crazy, I was awake at six am today.  And I’m also eating like crazy.  Sadly, I have to go into school today and drop my creative writing class because I can’t kick this stupid guy that lives in my head.  I wish I could let the people at work that are disappointed in me and think I should just come out of this see that I have no control over what my mind does or thinks right now.  Hopefully with more work in CBT I can start to at least get some of it under control.

The guinea pigs are doing great, although Bella still has a hard time being held and they are both too afraid to take advantage of the multilevel aspect of their cage.  I bought them treats yesterday to feed them while they are being held and I also bought them so grass that I’ll grow for them.  They are a couple of spoiled little girls, despite the fact that I’m super broke.

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