Undoing Crazy

Self compassion and myself

I have a really hard time with self compassion, this may be a big reason why I can’t get any man on the face of this earth to like me.

I can list a million things that are wrong with me and only a couple that are admirable traits. Yet I can tell complete strangers to have faith in themselves when I don’t have complete faith in myself. I can also give strangers compliments like no tomorrow but can’t give myself any.

I’m not sure how to go about changing this, it’s just been how I’m feeling lately. Or maybe because I can’t get a man I feel worthless. I know I’m not supposed to judge my worth based on other people but it’s really hard not to.

On a side note, I’ve been having a lot dreams lately that center around a school. Different parts of school, last night it was a gym class and I also keep having a recurring dream that my favorite old teacher is hosting a convention with my director of HR. Dream moods.com says To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
Both could really be feasible.

Last night my father made a comment about how he can’t believe I still have a job because I’ve missed so much work. This did not help my state of mind as I’ve already been feeling guilty about this and feel guilt and shame about it on almost a daily basis. I just keep hearing the words from my review and worry that they’ll come up again. Oye! So stressed.

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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’d like to make this a regular thing again but I won’t make any promises I may not be able to keep.

I haven’t had thoughts of suicide in a long time, although I struggle with negative self talk almost everyday. I’m still in DBT group, I actually just started my second round of DBT group. Because I’m still struggling a lot and didn’t really do my homework like I should have I decided to take it over again.

I’ve been trying to date by using online dating sites but I haven’t had any luck and this has really torn me down. For the past couple weeks I really haven’t been feel good about myself.

I joined the Y and started to swim a couple days a week but I haven’t been in two weeks now and this week I was put on bed rest due to an icky virus. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better and can get back at it next week. Also, during the two weeks I was swimming I was also eating better, but when I took time off I went back to bad habits.

Work has been going well and I actually nailed a first shift spot. I’ve been really working hard to be at work all the time and I feel bad about not being there now.

I hope to keep you updated on my daily struggles if only to keep a log for myself. Hope you enjoyed reading.

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First day back at work….

Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  Everyone was very welcoming, I even received a few hugs. Almost everyone said “hi” and the ones that didn’t I didn’t try to take so personal.  We had a fire drill right away and a few people joked that they were going to blame it on me.  “Right, blame the crazy girl” is what I said back and they replied with “everyone is a little bit crazy.”  If only everyone had labels for their version of crazy, maybe I would feel better when I hear that.

I’ve been very hesitant about dating while I’m in recovery, every person that has been interested in me I’ve been very straightforward and honest with.  Last night, in a roundabout way I asked a guy if he would consider dating me still. (I know that he expressed wanting to before, while I was still very hesitant)  He said he would rather we just be friends and that he needs time to figure out what he wants and how he can get it.  My question is, did men learn this in school? That’s the second time I’ve heard that excuse to not take the next step.  Ugh.

Looks like I’ll be single for a while still.  I suppose, it could be worse.

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