Undoing Crazy

Just when I was up I get dragged down

Because I’m not sure who reads this blog, I’m not going to go into specifics about exactly what happened last week. Although I promise to mention it to my individual therapist. I did skip group therapy tonight as I had the day off and the weather was bad and really I just didn’t want to leave the house.

Last week, Valentine’s Day to be exact. Which I should mention I decided not to be a grouch about still being single, but in a meeting one comment could almost drag me back to the hospital. I received a first shift position at my job due to a previous operator’s resignation. He was notorious for being a bad operator, with almost daily paperwork errors and “surprises” for the next step in our jobs. An ex boss made a comment about how this year’s numbers aren’t as good because this guy was a better operator.

This put me in an instant bad mood. All day it was all I could think about, then my press went down. The next day I ran a machine I haven’t ran since last September and wouldn’t you know, I messed up a job by overlooking telescoping rolls and had to throw a lot of it away. The more I threw away the more upset I got. I had to leave the room to cry, I considered asking to leave but just couldn’t face my boss. All I thought at the time was that I should be better by now.

I’m not sure how tomorrow will go if the guy is there again but I’ll have to face him for a while so I better swallow my hatred for him and just tell myself to deal with it.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. I LOVE it. Although some parts have absolutely horrible acting.

I bought myself a pack of 80’s Glam sharpies and to my sadness they bleed through my Moleskine. I bought a mixed media sketch book so hopefully that will work and I shall pour my thoughts while also writing a book with it. I’m excited about the project.

Through twitter I heard about this show called My Mad Fat Diary I watched the entire thing today and enjoyed that as well. If you have about six hours, check it out. It’s on YouTube. Be careful though, it can be triggering.

I suppose that’s all, thanks for listening.

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As promised, a real blog post

I have many ideas for topics that I’d like to write about, in fact today my brain has been exploding with thoughts. I’m having the worst time concentrating. Work was horrendous!

I wanted to talk about my take on meds but maybe I’ll save that for a later date.

I have to apologize for the bland formatting on my posts lately as I have gotten rid of cable and Internet at my house and am currently writing posts from my iPhone. It gets the job done!

I suppose I’ll go into my complete lack of self esteem that I’ve had lately. I’m incredibly poor right now and the last thing I need to do is miss work because I’m sick but I had to last week. And once again heard about it from my parents last night. I think they think I enjoy not being at work. Who enjoys not getting paid? I don’t know many people. I feel like I may have a breakdown coming on so the last thing I need to do is completely breakdown. I’m just trying to be prepared by going over DBT skills everyday. The app I talked about the other day is super helpful for that and I love how easy it is for me to just add in notes throughout the day. WAY BETTER than carrying around a diary card. Which I didn’t really do.

Onto my self esteem, I’m not sure why but I just feel like a complete piece of shit. I think it could be due to my lack of friends and a relationship, but how am I supposed to be a good friend or girlfriend if I can’t stand myself? I should have gone to the Y after work today, but I just drove right by. The next day I’m available to go will be Wednesday. I think I should go and not make any excuses at all.

I’ve been trying to be more “girly” too. But the only thing I can really do on a regular basis is wear my contacts. That doesn’t really make me that much girlier.

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I’m very scared to have the year turn out like last. I changed the scent in my Scentsy tonight and picked up a few things that were laying around the house but it’s still no where near being as clean as I want it to be and that’s another thing that gets to me that I just can’t bring myself to doing. It just upsets me so much I go lay in my bed and watch a movie or play on my phone.

If anyone has had success in learning to love themselves and have self respect, please feel free to share. I’m willing to try almost anything.

Thanks for listening.

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Since being sick a second time…

Since I was put on bed rest I decided to open up the WordPress app and take a look at what has been going on in the mental health blogosphere. It has made me come to realize that since I got out of the hospital I really haven’t been taking my mental health goals as seriously as I should.

I just started my second round of DBT by my choice because I really didn’t do the homework like I should. And skills cards! Oh, those will be the death of me. However I did find a DBT App yesterday that I like. I do believe the name is just DBT. It allows you to keep daily skills cards and email them to yourself and your therapist. It also is a coach to explain the different aspects of DBT. It was $4.99 in the iTunes App Store and so far it’s been worth it.

I’m not very good at sticking with things but hopefully I can get it together to make myself a happier and healthier person. I’m going to start reading the Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide tonight and also try to work at my DBT homework again. When I first sat down to do it I wasn’t feeling very good about myself and was only able to write several self critical statements but no self compassion statements.

I need to start sticking to things! Any suggestions on how to are welcome.

Thanks for listening.

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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’d like to make this a regular thing again but I won’t make any promises I may not be able to keep.

I haven’t had thoughts of suicide in a long time, although I struggle with negative self talk almost everyday. I’m still in DBT group, I actually just started my second round of DBT group. Because I’m still struggling a lot and didn’t really do my homework like I should have I decided to take it over again.

I’ve been trying to date by using online dating sites but I haven’t had any luck and this has really torn me down. For the past couple weeks I really haven’t been feel good about myself.

I joined the Y and started to swim a couple days a week but I haven’t been in two weeks now and this week I was put on bed rest due to an icky virus. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better and can get back at it next week. Also, during the two weeks I was swimming I was also eating better, but when I took time off I went back to bad habits.

Work has been going well and I actually nailed a first shift spot. I’ve been really working hard to be at work all the time and I feel bad about not being there now.

I hope to keep you updated on my daily struggles if only to keep a log for myself. Hope you enjoyed reading.

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I’m back, and update….

I finally have official diagnosis’, I have; moderate recurrent major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.  Wow, what a mouthful.  This happened yesterday, I kind of had an idea that my brain needed some work. I wasn’t expecting the GAD diagnosis, but considering that I worry about everything I suppose it should have been obvious.

The hardest part now isn’t learning about what’s wrong with me, it’s accepting what’s wrong with me and the fact that I still have a lot of work to do.  Dealing is the hardest.

Today I also return to work, I’m petrified.  I had to take an Ativan last night just to sleep and I took one today in hopes I can be calm and prepared.  I bought a few things to keep my hands busy when I’m nervous. Hopefully I won’t beat myself up too bad.  My assignment from my DBT therapist is to not judge myself and my assignment from my main therapist is to keep reading and learning about BPD.

My neck was killing me over the weekend so I got acupuncture this morning, my neck feels great now.  I love cupping.

I’ll be back and updating most everyday now that I’m back home.  Hope you’re excited to hear from me.

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A typical borderline.

I had a breakdown of mental and emotional proportions yesterday. (if that’s even possible)  The person who sees the bulk of my borderline behavior is my best friend.  It doesn’t help that I have mixed feelings about him all the time.

Yesterday and the night before I had mixed feelings, I had it in my head that I wanted and needed him to be my boyfriend or at least tell me that one day we had the possibility of getting to that place. He refused to and in turn I said some nasty things that although true, I never would have said to him because I know it’s a soft spot for him.

When he acknowledged the rudeness and told me to leave him alone I began to beg and plead for his attention back. “I didn’t mean it, you’re the best person ever, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  Right now, I’m not sure how to reflect on my actions and I’ve tried to make an appointment with the lady about DBT who seemed very enthusiastic at the time, but now I’ve called and called with no return call.  It’s driving me even more crazy.

I definitely feel like I need therapy more than once a week.  And this week without therapy is already proving to be a hard time.  After I realized the error of my ways last night, I needed something. I really wanted to get laid but knew that couldn’t happen with the person I wanted it to, so I settled for a mini-shopping spree on books about borderline personality.  One of which I already own, but can’t find.

I feel like I’m going crazier than before.

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