Undoing Crazy

Falling apart

I think I’m falling apart again.

I’ve had two panic attacks so far this week. And the suicidal thoughts have come back.

They started this morning. after I came to the conclusion that I have three people in my life who actually return my messages.

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Haven’t been feeling very great about myself lately. That’s why I haven’t really said much. Been laying in bed self loathing and fighting with my friend about how he’s not giving me enough attention.

I have poor social skills.

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An apology

I apologize for being absent for a while it’s been really hard for me to pick topics to discuss because I’ve still been feeling pretty crappy.

I start work again on Monday and I’m not quite sure if I’m ready to go back.

If I can find any info on it (which I should) I’d like to write about how I’ve met and been talking and hanging out with a new feller but I feel like the depression is numbing my emotions. I’m not sure how I feel about the whole thing at all.

In other news, I’ll be getting two guinea pigs soon. I’m super excited about them.

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a brief post on sleep and the depressed…

The sleeping habits of the depressed can be a many splendid thing.  And by splendid, I mean horribly confusing, at least in my experience with depression.

In the beginning, I could sleep all day and night, no problem. When I started Zoloft, in the very beginning of my recovery, I was weak from not eating and also wanted to sleep all the time.  When I switched to Effexor and started eating again I couldn’t stop thinking about things. And by not being able to control my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep either.

The struggle to find a psychiatrist was a completely different story, but after I finally found one that could fit me in, he prescribed Ambien.  I took an entire pill the first night that I also started a higher dosage of Effexor and a mood stabilizer, lets just say the result wasn’t a pretty picture the next day.  The rest of the week I used Ambien to sleep, but only took a half of a pill.  Even then, I couldn’t sleep the entire night. For some reason, my body wanted to wake up at 3 a.m. I’ve found through extensive reading on the subject that this is not uncommon for depressives.

Now that I feel like I have hit a mostly stable point in my medicine merry-go-round, I’m still having issues staying asleep at night.  For some reason my body still wants to wake up at 3 a.m. I typically get up, take a little walk around the place and lay back down and fall asleep shortly after.  Right now, I suppose I should just be thankful to get the sleep.

On a side note, I’ve also discovered that it is greatly amusing to watch people and make up a story about their life.  I think I’m really going to enjoy the new writing kick that I’m on.

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“Depression is the catch-22 of illnesses in that the very things that allow us to recover from it are the things we find hardest to do.”

The title of this post is a quote from the book Hide & Seek by Wendy Aron.

This time last week I was laying in bed without the ability to get up.  When I did get out of bed, (to go to the bathroom mostly) I was in tremendous pain.  That morning my mother suggested I go to the gym with her to get out and get moving, when I woke up that morning it was the last thing I wanted to do.  I only ended up doing a few exercises in the pool for about 15 minutes before I gave up completely and went to the lobby to read and wait for my mother.

When she had finished, she wanted to run errands despite the “get-me-out-of-here-and-into-bed” look I know I had on my face.  After a grueling trip to Wal*Mart we finally made it home where I spent the rest of the weekend in bed, self-loathing.

It seemed the only thing I could do last weekend was read and lay in bed.  My mother (with which I am staying with to be in the presence of others) insisted that I go outside to do my reading, I replied with a quiet “no thanks.”  Although I was in the presence of someone else, I still felt alone and couldn’t shake that feeling.

This weekend, I’m proud to say that although I did start to fall asleep at 6 P.M. last night, it was the product of being exhausted and not the desire to stay in bed and never wake up again.  I had planned to do some reading that night, but my eyes decided they couldn’t stand being open any longer.  I woke up at 8 to take my meds, which I’m also happy to report that other than my hands shaking and random twitching in my body, seem to be working well.  I awoke again from 12:45 to 2:30, when I wrote in my journal and read from the book mentioned above. I’ve found that writing the jumbled mess that’s in my head before reading helps to keep it from wandering while I read.  

Aron also wrote “my mind, as always, became a cauldron of competing thoughts. And there was no way out.”  Aside from my deeply depressive state, the lack of med management, and constant fatigue I felt, this was one of the main reasons I decided to take a leave from work.  When I was at work, I couldn’t concentrate on anything but the pain and whatever hurdle I was trying to get past that day.

My last full day at work, I went out to move the vehicle that I’m driving because mine had broken down a few weeks earlier (which also ended in a nervous breakdown) and found that the tire had gone flat.  At that time, this was just one more thing that I couldn’t handle. I immediately broke down crying, once I thought I had it under control I returned to work.  Apparently, I still had the appearance of tears in my eyes and when asked what happened I broke down once more.  The rest of that night, I continued to walk on eggshells until the tire was fixed.

Today, as I sit in Starbucks writing this blog entry I can say that I’m not exactly happy but optimistic about the future.  I plan to continue writing in will hopefully be taking a class in a few weeks to continue with this newfound passion.  With any luck, I’ll be working on writing a book by fall.  I’ve found out that with all the fun tools on the internet it’s pretty easy to do this and get it self-published.  Don’t worry, I’m still keeping my day job.

Noodles

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