Undoing Crazy

Since being sick a second time…

Since I was put on bed rest I decided to open up the WordPress app and take a look at what has been going on in the mental health blogosphere. It has made me come to realize that since I got out of the hospital I really haven’t been taking my mental health goals as seriously as I should.

I just started my second round of DBT by my choice because I really didn’t do the homework like I should. And skills cards! Oh, those will be the death of me. However I did find a DBT App yesterday that I like. I do believe the name is just DBT. It allows you to keep daily skills cards and email them to yourself and your therapist. It also is a coach to explain the different aspects of DBT. It was $4.99 in the iTunes App Store and so far it’s been worth it.

I’m not very good at sticking with things but hopefully I can get it together to make myself a happier and healthier person. I’m going to start reading the Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide tonight and also try to work at my DBT homework again. When I first sat down to do it I wasn’t feeling very good about myself and was only able to write several self critical statements but no self compassion statements.

I need to start sticking to things! Any suggestions on how to are welcome.

Thanks for listening.


A stay in the hospital…

I promised I was back, and then I disappeared again.   Well, I spent the last seven days in the hospital. I can’t believe that wanting to cut yourself can give you a seven day stay in the “wellness facility.”  I want to clarify, because my last post was a little confusing; I had thoughts of dying, not of suicide and I just simply had the overwhelming urge to cut myself not to die but to know what it feels like.  I’ve had thoughts like that before, but never so strong.

I think I was just overwhelmed by my thoughts.

Being in the hospital is enough to drive someone in there in the first place.  There’s so much time on your hands and if you spend that extra time in your room sleeping, you’ll stay there longer.  I can’t believe the point system is actually true, except at the hospital I was at you can’t go outside no matter how good you are.

Overall though, I feel much better.  No thoughts of self harm or suicide and I even gained some hope of getting better.  I finished an entire journal while in there, I have a lot of insight into my behaviors now and what sets me off.  Now, to handle it in the future.  I’m also considering some form of spirituality.  Not sure exactly what, I’m thinking maybe Buddhism. I’m still unsure.

Thankfully, my Stella has even gotten better since I was gone. Although, the girls didn’t eat much they missed their mommy as much as I missed them.


Pets and Therapy

In the partial hospitalization program you attend group sessions from 9 am to almost 3 pm.  They give handouts in the beginning of the week telling us all what the groups will be throughout the day.  Today I was very excited for pet therapy.  In pet therapy we ended up just talking like regular group therapy but with a Rottweiler puppy in attendance as well.  We went around the room with treats for her and pet her after all the treats were gone.  She took a particular liking to me, which is good because I love dogs.

Because I can’t  have dogs or cats in my condo that I am renting, I decided to get a couple of guinea pigs for some companionship.  I’m amazed at how mentally absorbed I’ve become in my guinea pigs. I’m excited to get home to them and sad when I have to leave them.  I often think of them throughout the day and worry about them as I would a child.  I like that I have something to think about and occupy my mind because I often used to just worry about every random thing.  Thinking about them is a refreshing change.

I’m also excited to report that I actually started to feel hopeful today.  In expressive therapy I was able to work on a collage of what I wanted my future to look like, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do that a month ago.  I was also able to make a list of goals.  Here is what I came up with in order of which I feel I could accomplish most easily.

  • Try acupuncture. *I went to a place in town and actually made an appointment for this Friday. I’ll keep you updated on how it went.
  • Get into a writing habit.
  • Get my apartment cleaned and organized.
  • Get my guinea pigs to trust me and want to be held by me.
  • Happily return to work.
  • Sell items I don’t use on eBay or at a garage sale. Donate what won’t sell.
  • Do volunteer work.
  • Look into a secondary insurance plan.
  • Keep an eye out for a first shift/challenging position using my degree or that requires a bachelors degree.
  • Get my debt payed off.

I also started seeing the psychiatrist I’ve been assigned in the program and so far I don’t mind him. He changed my meds again, I’ll be going back to Effexor and starting Abilify.  Hopefully that can do what the Fanapt is not doing.  I just want to feel better.


Addressing the Elephant

Since I’ve been back to work I’ve been walking on eggshells.  I’m sure it’s all in my head, but anytime someone turns the other way or whispers something I’m worried it’s about my leave.  I know that a few people are aware of why I went on leave and know the facts from me first hand, but word spreads around my shop like wildfire anytime something happens.  The anxiety was killing me and a couple people in group therapy said that if it was bothering me so much to just address it head on.

Last night I went around telling each person in my work group that I wanted work to be as easy as we could make it for all of us and that I didn’t want them to be afraid to talk to me.  I also opened the floor up for any questions they might have about what’s going on with me but everyone just seemed to feel like it was personal and they couldn’t talk about it.  I almost wish a few people would have asked me flat out what was wrong so that I could tell them “I’m living with depression, this isn’t the first time I’ve been through this, I’m sure it won’t be the last. But at least I finally sought out treatment.”  I’m finally comfortable with it, I hate the stigma that it has to be a secret though.  Ugh!

Work was slow last night as well so I worked in another department doing mindless work and thought about so many different things.  I’m unsure about how I feel about my meds, I’ve had about three really bad days since I started finally coming through the dark clouds.  Although Wednesday at group was the only time when tears welled up in my eyes and I started to show some real emotion even if it wasn’t carried out all the way.  I’ve noticed I’m a lot more patient with my best friend (and everyone else around me) who always takes forever to return my messages. (in all fairness, he is a really busy guy)  But I’m curious as to when I’ll become my old giggling-at-everything self.  Will it ever come back?  Or did I just finally mature in the time I’ve been in treatment?

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a brief post on sleep and the depressed…

The sleeping habits of the depressed can be a many splendid thing.  And by splendid, I mean horribly confusing, at least in my experience with depression.

In the beginning, I could sleep all day and night, no problem. When I started Zoloft, in the very beginning of my recovery, I was weak from not eating and also wanted to sleep all the time.  When I switched to Effexor and started eating again I couldn’t stop thinking about things. And by not being able to control my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep either.

The struggle to find a psychiatrist was a completely different story, but after I finally found one that could fit me in, he prescribed Ambien.  I took an entire pill the first night that I also started a higher dosage of Effexor and a mood stabilizer, lets just say the result wasn’t a pretty picture the next day.  The rest of the week I used Ambien to sleep, but only took a half of a pill.  Even then, I couldn’t sleep the entire night. For some reason, my body wanted to wake up at 3 a.m. I’ve found through extensive reading on the subject that this is not uncommon for depressives.

Now that I feel like I have hit a mostly stable point in my medicine merry-go-round, I’m still having issues staying asleep at night.  For some reason my body still wants to wake up at 3 a.m. I typically get up, take a little walk around the place and lay back down and fall asleep shortly after.  Right now, I suppose I should just be thankful to get the sleep.

On a side note, I’ve also discovered that it is greatly amusing to watch people and make up a story about their life.  I think I’m really going to enjoy the new writing kick that I’m on.