Undoing Crazy

When you feel your dreams are dying, hold tight….

Today is the day, it’s the beginning of the year that will truly test my determination.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off, but I’m going to work my butt off.

Still can’t give details of what exactly is going down, but hopefully it will bring much needed change for the better to my life.

Feeling kind of crummy lately and really don’t want to go back on psych meds so I’ve started taking St. John’s wart. I took some before bed last night and had a somewhat better day today.

Can anyone give some tips on how to wake up early???  I drive an hour and a half to work everyday and waking up in the morning to go to work is always a big task. I’d love to wake up and make myself look better and play with makeup styles but my motivation is not there at all.


A new med

For a long time I haven’t been able to sleep through the entire night without waking up at least twice in the night. Just to wake up, not to pee or anything.

I’ve brought this issue up to my psychiatrist because it leaves me feeling groggy all day long. He upped my dosage of Seroquel the last time I saw him but that still hasn’t helped.

Today I decided to call and get a prescription for Trazadone which was my other option the last time I saw him. The last thing I want to do is take another medication and have to remember taking it for that matter but if it helps me to sleep maybe it can help with my other cognitive functioning as well. We shall see.

Thanks for listening.


As promised, a real blog post

I have many ideas for topics that I’d like to write about, in fact today my brain has been exploding with thoughts. I’m having the worst time concentrating. Work was horrendous!

I wanted to talk about my take on meds but maybe I’ll save that for a later date.

I have to apologize for the bland formatting on my posts lately as I have gotten rid of cable and Internet at my house and am currently writing posts from my iPhone. It gets the job done!

I suppose I’ll go into my complete lack of self esteem that I’ve had lately. I’m incredibly poor right now and the last thing I need to do is miss work because I’m sick but I had to last week. And once again heard about it from my parents last night. I think they think I enjoy not being at work. Who enjoys not getting paid? I don’t know many people. I feel like I may have a breakdown coming on so the last thing I need to do is completely breakdown. I’m just trying to be prepared by going over DBT skills everyday. The app I talked about the other day is super helpful for that and I love how easy it is for me to just add in notes throughout the day. WAY BETTER than carrying around a diary card. Which I didn’t really do.

Onto my self esteem, I’m not sure why but I just feel like a complete piece of shit. I think it could be due to my lack of friends and a relationship, but how am I supposed to be a good friend or girlfriend if I can’t stand myself? I should have gone to the Y after work today, but I just drove right by. The next day I’m available to go will be Wednesday. I think I should go and not make any excuses at all.

I’ve been trying to be more “girly” too. But the only thing I can really do on a regular basis is wear my contacts. That doesn’t really make me that much girlier.

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I’m very scared to have the year turn out like last. I changed the scent in my Scentsy tonight and picked up a few things that were laying around the house but it’s still no where near being as clean as I want it to be and that’s another thing that gets to me that I just can’t bring myself to doing. It just upsets me so much I go lay in my bed and watch a movie or play on my phone.

If anyone has had success in learning to love themselves and have self respect, please feel free to share. I’m willing to try almost anything.

Thanks for listening.


Pets and Therapy

In the partial hospitalization program you attend group sessions from 9 am to almost 3 pm.  They give handouts in the beginning of the week telling us all what the groups will be throughout the day.  Today I was very excited for pet therapy.  In pet therapy we ended up just talking like regular group therapy but with a Rottweiler puppy in attendance as well.  We went around the room with treats for her and pet her after all the treats were gone.  She took a particular liking to me, which is good because I love dogs.

Because I can’t  have dogs or cats in my condo that I am renting, I decided to get a couple of guinea pigs for some companionship.  I’m amazed at how mentally absorbed I’ve become in my guinea pigs. I’m excited to get home to them and sad when I have to leave them.  I often think of them throughout the day and worry about them as I would a child.  I like that I have something to think about and occupy my mind because I often used to just worry about every random thing.  Thinking about them is a refreshing change.

I’m also excited to report that I actually started to feel hopeful today.  In expressive therapy I was able to work on a collage of what I wanted my future to look like, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do that a month ago.  I was also able to make a list of goals.  Here is what I came up with in order of which I feel I could accomplish most easily.

  • Try acupuncture. *I went to a place in town and actually made an appointment for this Friday. I’ll keep you updated on how it went.
  • Get into a writing habit.
  • Get my apartment cleaned and organized.
  • Get my guinea pigs to trust me and want to be held by me.
  • Happily return to work.
  • Sell items I don’t use on eBay or at a garage sale. Donate what won’t sell.
  • Do volunteer work.
  • Look into a secondary insurance plan.
  • Keep an eye out for a first shift/challenging position using my degree or that requires a bachelors degree.
  • Get my debt payed off.

I also started seeing the psychiatrist I’ve been assigned in the program and so far I don’t mind him. He changed my meds again, I’ll be going back to Effexor and starting Abilify.  Hopefully that can do what the Fanapt is not doing.  I just want to feel better.


“How can you hide from what never goes away?”

The title of this post is also a quote from the book Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel.

I thought that I was done with feeling suicidal, turns out I’m not.  I was struggling with thoughts of wanting to die and not seeing a purpose again Sunday and Monday.  And today, I’m not really sure were I’m at with things. I don’t feel well, but I don’t feel completely hopeless either.

I hung out with my two baby guinea pigs tonight.  I love the two of them to death, they are so funny and my desire to see them grow and to get them to enjoy being held and trust me is probably one of the only things keeping me going these days.  Despite expanding my friend base after the first rough patch of this episode, I’m still struggling with feeling alone.  Maybe it’s because it’s my first day in outpatient treatment and I’m not used to the people yet, I’m not sure.

I had a little talk with my mother tonight and she agreed that she didn’t feel I was at the point in which I needed to go into inpatient treatment, but last Tuesday I could have sworn that was what I needed.  I’m scared I’m never going to get the right meds, because I’m starting to believe that this doesn’t have any reason other than being a true chemical imbalance and that’s why it’s taking so long for me to deal with and get better.  I was talking with my therapist the last time I had a session and she said that inpatient is the fast way to getting the right meds because you are seeing a psychiatrist everyday and being constantly monitored. I’m not sure, I still feel like it’s just a big crap shot and getting the right combo.

My sleep is back to being completely off the wall. I think I’m talking to my assigned psychiatrist tomorrow, I need to make a list of all of these things.  Although sometimes I never really know what to tell the doctors because I keep forgetting things or it’s been so long since I’ve dealt with them.

I’m going on my fourth month of feeling completely crappy and not being able to deal with day to day life, I’m just sick of having to feel this way all the time.

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“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”

The title of this post is a quote from Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel, my current read.

A week ago today, despite everyone’s advice against it: I decided to stop taking my meds.  In all fairness, I was already feeling horrible and slept through my medication alarm on my phone and when I woke up the next morning (Tuesday, my birthday) I was feeling fine and thought I could handle not taking them.  I went to work all the while telling myself that I could make it without meds, and that I could pretend I was doing just fine even though I was falling apart on the inside.

Work started out fine, then about an hour in I started crying for reasons I can’t explain.  Then, I started to think about the meeting I had the day before about a job I had messed up before I went on leave and thought about the fact that I had delayed pediatric luekemia patients their last chance drug because I didn’t ask questions about the barcode. I also thought about the fact that I am feeling hopeless because I can’t find meds that work for me either.  I’m not a leukemia patient, but at times this thing that lives in my head seems just as bad, like it could kill me at any time.

I left work after my boss saw me crying and suggested I go home to try to deal with whatever was going on with me. (I still can’t tell you why I cried although I have a feeling it may be all the pent up emotions that I should have been feeling that my meds weren’t allowing me to feel.)  I took Wednesday off as well and went to group therapy at night hoping it would have the same empowering effect as it did the week before, sadly it didn’t.

Thursday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 10:20, at 10:35 I still hadn’t been in to see him and a guy randomly showed up to talk to him about issues he was having with his medication and he pulled him in his office to talk to him.  At that point, I was irrate. I was having issues with my meds too, and I had an appointment!  Finally at 10:45 I went into his office and just went off telling him that I was still mad and that he wasn’t listening to me and that I needed new meds. Sadly, he took me off Effexor and kept me on the antipsychotic for schizophrenics that I feel isn’t doing anything but making me fat.  Now I’m on the antipsychotic twice a day, Cymbalta at night, and Ativan when needed.  I had an appointment with my therapist at 11 so I couldn’t stick around and have the session that I truly needed to have because he has no concept of time.

I made it to my therapy appointment with a little time to relax and try to cool down from yet another terrible psychiatrist session.  When my therapist called me back to her office she asked how I was doing and I just let out a huge sigh.  When I explained to her what was going on and that I had thought about admitting myself to the hospital on my birthday she immediately took me out of work and told me to go back to IOP. Actually, I’ll be starting PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) tomorrow.  It differs from IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in that it last longer through the day and you also see a psychiatrist once a week.  She even said that hospitalization could be a good option for me to get my meds straight the quick way.  I decided to save the hospital for when I really feel like I want to jump off a cliff again. (Which, the suicidal ideation came back last night)

My sleep is starting to be completely off and crazy, I was awake at six am today.  And I’m also eating like crazy.  Sadly, I have to go into school today and drop my creative writing class because I can’t kick this stupid guy that lives in my head.  I wish I could let the people at work that are disappointed in me and think I should just come out of this see that I have no control over what my mind does or thinks right now.  Hopefully with more work in CBT I can start to at least get some of it under control.

The guinea pigs are doing great, although Bella still has a hard time being held and they are both too afraid to take advantage of the multilevel aspect of their cage.  I bought them treats yesterday to feed them while they are being held and I also bought them so grass that I’ll grow for them.  They are a couple of spoiled little girls, despite the fact that I’m super broke.

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Are these things working?

I don’t know what happened, Saturday night and into Sunday I was in such a good mood and so excited to have my new babies.  Then Sunday night I took a turn for the worst, so to speak.  I was contemplating discontinuing my meds, I have no idea if they are working but they don’t feel like they really are.  Here are a few reasons I think my meds suck:

  • Although I’m able to get out of bed and do things everyday I still don’t feel particularly motived.
  • I haven’t been able to giggle like an idiot which I used to be before I went off the deep end.
  • I can get out of bed, but my mood is often still gloomy.

I’m sure I can come  up with more, but that’s all I can think of at the moment. I’m considering going back to doing therapy twice a week, and hopefully with cognitive that will help more than plain psychotherapy.  I also see my favorite (insert sarcasm) psychiatrist on Thursday, lets see if he just keeps me on the same meds and hopes for the best again.


The Family Business

Every doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, and hospital that I have gone to on this crazy ride have asked me the same question “do you have a family history of depression?”  And at the time I was being intensely treated I could only give the answer of “not that I’m aware.”

Through a recent family death on my maternal side I was able to find out that not only is depression prevalent in the family, but alcoholism as well.  Thankfully for me, I barely touch alcohol. I just hope I can keep that up in the long run.

Also, the other day I posted a youtube video and a quote about depression urging people not to minimize the disease and received a “like” from an unsuspecting individual, one of my cousins on my fathers side.  With that, I decided to send her a private message asking if she had gone through it and if she knew of anyone else in the family that had.  She told me that she is also on Effexor and that several people in the family have been recommended to take meds but have decided not to.

I’m absolutely amazed to find out that it is prevalent on both sides of my family tree. Hopefully know that I know that I can find out how it effects them and how they handle the ins and outs of things. But overall, it’s soothing to know that I’m not the only one.


Addressing the Elephant

Since I’ve been back to work I’ve been walking on eggshells.  I’m sure it’s all in my head, but anytime someone turns the other way or whispers something I’m worried it’s about my leave.  I know that a few people are aware of why I went on leave and know the facts from me first hand, but word spreads around my shop like wildfire anytime something happens.  The anxiety was killing me and a couple people in group therapy said that if it was bothering me so much to just address it head on.

Last night I went around telling each person in my work group that I wanted work to be as easy as we could make it for all of us and that I didn’t want them to be afraid to talk to me.  I also opened the floor up for any questions they might have about what’s going on with me but everyone just seemed to feel like it was personal and they couldn’t talk about it.  I almost wish a few people would have asked me flat out what was wrong so that I could tell them “I’m living with depression, this isn’t the first time I’ve been through this, I’m sure it won’t be the last. But at least I finally sought out treatment.”  I’m finally comfortable with it, I hate the stigma that it has to be a secret though.  Ugh!

Work was slow last night as well so I worked in another department doing mindless work and thought about so many different things.  I’m unsure about how I feel about my meds, I’ve had about three really bad days since I started finally coming through the dark clouds.  Although Wednesday at group was the only time when tears welled up in my eyes and I started to show some real emotion even if it wasn’t carried out all the way.  I’ve noticed I’m a lot more patient with my best friend (and everyone else around me) who always takes forever to return my messages. (in all fairness, he is a really busy guy)  But I’m curious as to when I’ll become my old giggling-at-everything self.  Will it ever come back?  Or did I just finally mature in the time I’ve been in treatment?

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Back to work…

Returning to work after a leave due to mental illness can be extremely nerve-racking. At least for me, anytime someone looks at me I feel like all they are thinking is “look, the nut job is back.”  I’ve only been back for four days now and everyday has been a challenge for me.  Yesterday I woke and really missed being apart of group therapy and thought maybe I should think about twice a week therapy sessions again.  Because my mind couldn’t stop racing, I called into work again.

I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because I’m going to have bad days, but I still feel guilty for missing work.  Although attending group therapy last night was a very good decision for me, it made me think even more about how I really need that and can’t get it because of my work schedule.  I’m perfectly fine talking about whats been going on with me now, but it’s one thing talking to someone who’s been through the same things and another talking to an “outsider.”  People who have been there can give a lot better advice than the ones who haven’t.

I started a creative writing class this week.  I’m surprised how mental health and creative writing mesh together and become such a big writing topic.  I’m curious to hear the reactions of my classmates when they read the memoir I have planned to write.  My biggest challenge so far is carving out time to write and sticking to it.  From what I’ve gathered so far, time after work is off limits.

The search for two female baby guinea pigs that don’t resemble mice/rats seems almost as hopeless as my recovery from depression.  I’ve gone in search of them the last two days and came up short.  I have their home all set up and ready for them, all I need now is my babies.

I’ve started a new therapist that I really enjoy so far.  I’ve only been to her once, but she seems to be a good fit for me.  She’ll be working on talk therapy and CBT.  I’m curious about how it works and fits in. She’s already given me a homework assignment.  And I need to be more diligent about it, not surprisingly.

Finally, I feel like my meds are finally working and stable although now my anxiety is through the roof.  I’m sleeping wonderfully at normal hours when nothing exciting is coming up or anything bad has happened.  I’m just not anywhere near how I used to be, I’m able to laugh now but not giggle incessantly like before.  Maybe I’ve just grown up through this, or maybe I have more work than I think I do to get better. I’m not really sure what to expect of this experience. The only thing I know is it hasn’t been the first depressive episode I’ve had, probably won’t be the last, but it’s the first time I’ve had help for it and I’ve very grateful for the help I’ve received so far.

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