Undoing Crazy

Let’s spread love, not hate….

I’ve been hearing a lot about the new show Lindsay on the OWN network, especially on the radio (basically my only source of news and I only listen to it in the morning on my hour and half commute to work.)  I have to admit, the response is not what I’m hoping to hear.  Not one comment on the show in a positive light.  And it’s very clear to see that the world still isn’t very open minded about mental health. It makes me sad that just because someone has money and access to all the luxuries in the world that they can’t possible have issues.


I’ve started reading a book called The Mirror Effect by Dr. Drew and he discusses Lindsay in his book and how the world should have empathy for them. I happen to agree.  I’m not saying to take pity on Lindsay, but I do think for the most part she is trying.  The majority of the people in the world don’t realize how hard it is to recover from mental illness.  It’s a lifetime process that never ends.

Another thing they (the radio announcer) criticized was Dina Lohan’s interview with Oprah. They said that she just took everything Oprah said an emphasized it back to her.  Oprah asked if she was happy that Lindsay was closer to home and if she was worried she would relapse again. Really???? If Oprah or anyone else were to ask my parents the same questions, I’m sure they would respond in the exact same way Dina did. No, I do not think she was being dramatic. Seeing the struggles my family has gone through regarding my own mental health, it’s just as hard on your family as it is on you.

On the show, Lindsay doesn’t want to go in to too much depth about her recover. She explains that it is sacred to her and I think that should be enough, but instead someone comments and wants to know why it’s sacred.  This person has obviously not had any mental health struggles.  She also expresses that she doesn’t want to be filmed going to AA or NA (not sure exactly which one she attends) but this is completely understandable.  The entire premise is that it’s anonymous, if it’s filmed, it takes away from the anonymity.

In summary, I don’t think that anyone that hasn’t been through their own mental health struggles has any right to comment on someone else’s journey to wellness. We all take our own path and it’s up to us to find what works for us and what doesn’t.

And also, dammit Lindsay, show up when you say you are going to show up!!!!

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Reblogged, I did not bold the items that are bolded.


I haven’t wanted to self injury in awhile but a good list for many different things besides just self injuring.


Alternatives to Self Harm

Below is a list of things to do instead of cutting, burning, bruising, or any other form of self harm. Please keep in mind that unfortunately, not everything on this list will work for everyone. So, if you try something and it doesn’t work for you, don’t get discouraged! Some of these choices are complicated, and you might want to utilize the help of a therapist or trusted friend when undertaking them. Recovery is not a process that can be walked through alone, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help.
Alternatives for when you’re feeling angry or restless:

  • Scribble on photos of people in magazines
  • Viciously stab an orange
  • Throw an apple/pair of socks against the wall
  • Have a pillow fight with the wall
  • Scream very loudly
  • Tear apart newspapers, photos, or magazines
  • Go to the gym, dance, exercise
  • Listen to music and sing along…

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First day back at work….

Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  Everyone was very welcoming, I even received a few hugs. Almost everyone said “hi” and the ones that didn’t I didn’t try to take so personal.  We had a fire drill right away and a few people joked that they were going to blame it on me.  “Right, blame the crazy girl” is what I said back and they replied with “everyone is a little bit crazy.”  If only everyone had labels for their version of crazy, maybe I would feel better when I hear that.

I’ve been very hesitant about dating while I’m in recovery, every person that has been interested in me I’ve been very straightforward and honest with.  Last night, in a roundabout way I asked a guy if he would consider dating me still. (I know that he expressed wanting to before, while I was still very hesitant)  He said he would rather we just be friends and that he needs time to figure out what he wants and how he can get it.  My question is, did men learn this in school? That’s the second time I’ve heard that excuse to not take the next step.  Ugh.

Looks like I’ll be single for a while still.  I suppose, it could be worse.

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Back to work…

Returning to work after a leave due to mental illness can be extremely nerve-racking. At least for me, anytime someone looks at me I feel like all they are thinking is “look, the nut job is back.”  I’ve only been back for four days now and everyday has been a challenge for me.  Yesterday I woke and really missed being apart of group therapy and thought maybe I should think about twice a week therapy sessions again.  Because my mind couldn’t stop racing, I called into work again.

I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself because I’m going to have bad days, but I still feel guilty for missing work.  Although attending group therapy last night was a very good decision for me, it made me think even more about how I really need that and can’t get it because of my work schedule.  I’m perfectly fine talking about whats been going on with me now, but it’s one thing talking to someone who’s been through the same things and another talking to an “outsider.”  People who have been there can give a lot better advice than the ones who haven’t.

I started a creative writing class this week.  I’m surprised how mental health and creative writing mesh together and become such a big writing topic.  I’m curious to hear the reactions of my classmates when they read the memoir I have planned to write.  My biggest challenge so far is carving out time to write and sticking to it.  From what I’ve gathered so far, time after work is off limits.

The search for two female baby guinea pigs that don’t resemble mice/rats seems almost as hopeless as my recovery from depression.  I’ve gone in search of them the last two days and came up short.  I have their home all set up and ready for them, all I need now is my babies.

I’ve started a new therapist that I really enjoy so far.  I’ve only been to her once, but she seems to be a good fit for me.  She’ll be working on talk therapy and CBT.  I’m curious about how it works and fits in. She’s already given me a homework assignment.  And I need to be more diligent about it, not surprisingly.

Finally, I feel like my meds are finally working and stable although now my anxiety is through the roof.  I’m sleeping wonderfully at normal hours when nothing exciting is coming up or anything bad has happened.  I’m just not anywhere near how I used to be, I’m able to laugh now but not giggle incessantly like before.  Maybe I’ve just grown up through this, or maybe I have more work than I think I do to get better. I’m not really sure what to expect of this experience. The only thing I know is it hasn’t been the first depressive episode I’ve had, probably won’t be the last, but it’s the first time I’ve had help for it and I’ve very grateful for the help I’ve received so far.

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I wish I knew myself as well as everyone else does.

This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve felt like this, about a year and a half/two years ago I had a lot of the same feelings that I’ve been feeling lately but they just spontaneously ended, or rather went into remission.  I thought about attending therapy to try to get help, but with my health insurance at the time I needed a referral for them to pay for my visits and I wasn’t about to tell someone outside of the mental health profession that something is wrong and I need help.

At that time in my life I remember taking a couple days off of work and going into Chicago just to walk around and take everything in, I also remember taking a few yoga classes to try to get the benefits people claim. Unfortunately, I don’t have the ability to shut off my mind when I’m doing yoga or any meditative exercise so, I gave up.  (Maybe I can try to get all the things that could come to my mind during yoga out by writing before I start and try it again?)

There a many ways that you can handle and cope with depression, sadly because I’ve had one severe episode the chances of me having another is highly likely. What I can’t get to the root of is why it’s happening in the first place.  Through a lot reading on the subject I have found out that you don’t necessarily have to have a trigger to fall into a depressive state, although so many people I talk to would like to blame a close friend of mine for my moods even though I know he isn’t the single deciding factor in my depression.

Yes, I do like my friend for many obvious reason; he’s great to talk to, doesn’t judge me, and knows when I just need time to vent and get my frustrations out.  Since we decided not to begin a romantic relationship, many people feel that he is to blame for my negative attitude and view toward life.  I know deep in my heart that even if he decided right this second that he wanted to be with me all my pain and sorrow would not disappear.

In fact, Sally Brampton, the author of Shoot the Damn Dog summed it up perfectly; “my mood might have changed. The depression would not. But then you would not expect any other illness to lift according to the person who is standing in front of you, however happy they might make you feel.”  Because people only see the outside pain, they think that we can just snap out of our emotional turmoil.

In my opinion, I think my father traveling to another state for work weeks at a time had a bigger impact on me falling into a deep depression than any of the fights and rejection I’ve experienced with my close friend. If you don’t believe me, then, just find someone else to fix. I’m the only one who can fix me anyway!

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