Undoing Crazy

Let’s spread love, not hate….

I’ve been hearing a lot about the new show Lindsay on the OWN network, especially on the radio (basically my only source of news and I only listen to it in the morning on my hour and half commute to work.)  I have to admit, the response is not what I’m hoping to hear.  Not one comment on the show in a positive light.  And it’s very clear to see that the world still isn’t very open minded about mental health. It makes me sad that just because someone has money and access to all the luxuries in the world that they can’t possible have issues.

MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES EFFECT EVERYONE, AND EVEN MORE SO CELEBRITIES.

I’ve started reading a book called The Mirror Effect by Dr. Drew and he discusses Lindsay in his book and how the world should have empathy for them. I happen to agree.  I’m not saying to take pity on Lindsay, but I do think for the most part she is trying.  The majority of the people in the world don’t realize how hard it is to recover from mental illness.  It’s a lifetime process that never ends.

Another thing they (the radio announcer) criticized was Dina Lohan’s interview with Oprah. They said that she just took everything Oprah said an emphasized it back to her.  Oprah asked if she was happy that Lindsay was closer to home and if she was worried she would relapse again. Really???? If Oprah or anyone else were to ask my parents the same questions, I’m sure they would respond in the exact same way Dina did. No, I do not think she was being dramatic. Seeing the struggles my family has gone through regarding my own mental health, it’s just as hard on your family as it is on you.

On the show, Lindsay doesn’t want to go in to too much depth about her recover. She explains that it is sacred to her and I think that should be enough, but instead someone comments and wants to know why it’s sacred.  This person has obviously not had any mental health struggles.  She also expresses that she doesn’t want to be filmed going to AA or NA (not sure exactly which one she attends) but this is completely understandable.  The entire premise is that it’s anonymous, if it’s filmed, it takes away from the anonymity.

In summary, I don’t think that anyone that hasn’t been through their own mental health struggles has any right to comment on someone else’s journey to wellness. We all take our own path and it’s up to us to find what works for us and what doesn’t.

And also, dammit Lindsay, show up when you say you are going to show up!!!!

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Just when I was up I get dragged down

Because I’m not sure who reads this blog, I’m not going to go into specifics about exactly what happened last week. Although I promise to mention it to my individual therapist. I did skip group therapy tonight as I had the day off and the weather was bad and really I just didn’t want to leave the house.

Last week, Valentine’s Day to be exact. Which I should mention I decided not to be a grouch about still being single, but in a meeting one comment could almost drag me back to the hospital. I received a first shift position at my job due to a previous operator’s resignation. He was notorious for being a bad operator, with almost daily paperwork errors and “surprises” for the next step in our jobs. An ex boss made a comment about how this year’s numbers aren’t as good because this guy was a better operator.

This put me in an instant bad mood. All day it was all I could think about, then my press went down. The next day I ran a machine I haven’t ran since last September and wouldn’t you know, I messed up a job by overlooking telescoping rolls and had to throw a lot of it away. The more I threw away the more upset I got. I had to leave the room to cry, I considered asking to leave but just couldn’t face my boss. All I thought at the time was that I should be better by now.

I’m not sure how tomorrow will go if the guy is there again but I’ll have to face him for a while so I better swallow my hatred for him and just tell myself to deal with it.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. I LOVE it. Although some parts have absolutely horrible acting.

I bought myself a pack of 80’s Glam sharpies and to my sadness they bleed through my Moleskine. I bought a mixed media sketch book so hopefully that will work and I shall pour my thoughts while also writing a book with it. I’m excited about the project.

Through twitter I heard about this show called My Mad Fat Diary I watched the entire thing today and enjoyed that as well. If you have about six hours, check it out. It’s on YouTube. Be careful though, it can be triggering.

I suppose that’s all, thanks for listening.

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I couldn’t have said this better. When I’m not mad at G I’m gonna send him this. He’s unbelievably patient and could have walked away a million times but hasn’t.

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As promised, a real blog post

I have many ideas for topics that I’d like to write about, in fact today my brain has been exploding with thoughts. I’m having the worst time concentrating. Work was horrendous!

I wanted to talk about my take on meds but maybe I’ll save that for a later date.

I have to apologize for the bland formatting on my posts lately as I have gotten rid of cable and Internet at my house and am currently writing posts from my iPhone. It gets the job done!

I suppose I’ll go into my complete lack of self esteem that I’ve had lately. I’m incredibly poor right now and the last thing I need to do is miss work because I’m sick but I had to last week. And once again heard about it from my parents last night. I think they think I enjoy not being at work. Who enjoys not getting paid? I don’t know many people. I feel like I may have a breakdown coming on so the last thing I need to do is completely breakdown. I’m just trying to be prepared by going over DBT skills everyday. The app I talked about the other day is super helpful for that and I love how easy it is for me to just add in notes throughout the day. WAY BETTER than carrying around a diary card. Which I didn’t really do.

Onto my self esteem, I’m not sure why but I just feel like a complete piece of shit. I think it could be due to my lack of friends and a relationship, but how am I supposed to be a good friend or girlfriend if I can’t stand myself? I should have gone to the Y after work today, but I just drove right by. The next day I’m available to go will be Wednesday. I think I should go and not make any excuses at all.

I’ve been trying to be more “girly” too. But the only thing I can really do on a regular basis is wear my contacts. That doesn’t really make me that much girlier.

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I’m very scared to have the year turn out like last. I changed the scent in my Scentsy tonight and picked up a few things that were laying around the house but it’s still no where near being as clean as I want it to be and that’s another thing that gets to me that I just can’t bring myself to doing. It just upsets me so much I go lay in my bed and watch a movie or play on my phone.

If anyone has had success in learning to love themselves and have self respect, please feel free to share. I’m willing to try almost anything.

Thanks for listening.

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It’s Been Awhile

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’d like to make this a regular thing again but I won’t make any promises I may not be able to keep.

I haven’t had thoughts of suicide in a long time, although I struggle with negative self talk almost everyday. I’m still in DBT group, I actually just started my second round of DBT group. Because I’m still struggling a lot and didn’t really do my homework like I should have I decided to take it over again.

I’ve been trying to date by using online dating sites but I haven’t had any luck and this has really torn me down. For the past couple weeks I really haven’t been feel good about myself.

I joined the Y and started to swim a couple days a week but I haven’t been in two weeks now and this week I was put on bed rest due to an icky virus. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better and can get back at it next week. Also, during the two weeks I was swimming I was also eating better, but when I took time off I went back to bad habits.

Work has been going well and I actually nailed a first shift spot. I’ve been really working hard to be at work all the time and I feel bad about not being there now.

I hope to keep you updated on my daily struggles if only to keep a log for myself. Hope you enjoyed reading.

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First day back at work….

Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  Everyone was very welcoming, I even received a few hugs. Almost everyone said “hi” and the ones that didn’t I didn’t try to take so personal.  We had a fire drill right away and a few people joked that they were going to blame it on me.  “Right, blame the crazy girl” is what I said back and they replied with “everyone is a little bit crazy.”  If only everyone had labels for their version of crazy, maybe I would feel better when I hear that.

I’ve been very hesitant about dating while I’m in recovery, every person that has been interested in me I’ve been very straightforward and honest with.  Last night, in a roundabout way I asked a guy if he would consider dating me still. (I know that he expressed wanting to before, while I was still very hesitant)  He said he would rather we just be friends and that he needs time to figure out what he wants and how he can get it.  My question is, did men learn this in school? That’s the second time I’ve heard that excuse to not take the next step.  Ugh.

Looks like I’ll be single for a while still.  I suppose, it could be worse.

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I’m back, and update….

I finally have official diagnosis’, I have; moderate recurrent major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.  Wow, what a mouthful.  This happened yesterday, I kind of had an idea that my brain needed some work. I wasn’t expecting the GAD diagnosis, but considering that I worry about everything I suppose it should have been obvious.

The hardest part now isn’t learning about what’s wrong with me, it’s accepting what’s wrong with me and the fact that I still have a lot of work to do.  Dealing is the hardest.

Today I also return to work, I’m petrified.  I had to take an Ativan last night just to sleep and I took one today in hopes I can be calm and prepared.  I bought a few things to keep my hands busy when I’m nervous. Hopefully I won’t beat myself up too bad.  My assignment from my DBT therapist is to not judge myself and my assignment from my main therapist is to keep reading and learning about BPD.

My neck was killing me over the weekend so I got acupuncture this morning, my neck feels great now.  I love cupping.

I’ll be back and updating most everyday now that I’m back home.  Hope you’re excited to hear from me.

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A typical borderline.

I had a breakdown of mental and emotional proportions yesterday. (if that’s even possible)  The person who sees the bulk of my borderline behavior is my best friend.  It doesn’t help that I have mixed feelings about him all the time.

Yesterday and the night before I had mixed feelings, I had it in my head that I wanted and needed him to be my boyfriend or at least tell me that one day we had the possibility of getting to that place. He refused to and in turn I said some nasty things that although true, I never would have said to him because I know it’s a soft spot for him.

When he acknowledged the rudeness and told me to leave him alone I began to beg and plead for his attention back. “I didn’t mean it, you’re the best person ever, I don’t know what I’d do without you.”  Right now, I’m not sure how to reflect on my actions and I’ve tried to make an appointment with the lady about DBT who seemed very enthusiastic at the time, but now I’ve called and called with no return call.  It’s driving me even more crazy.

I definitely feel like I need therapy more than once a week.  And this week without therapy is already proving to be a hard time.  After I realized the error of my ways last night, I needed something. I really wanted to get laid but knew that couldn’t happen with the person I wanted it to, so I settled for a mini-shopping spree on books about borderline personality.  One of which I already own, but can’t find.

I feel like I’m going crazier than before.

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It’s been confirmed…

I do indeed have borderline personality disorder, I’m not sure how I feel about that.  My stomach is in knots and it is going to be hard to deal with.  I’ll start DBT skills training in two weeks. It’s all just crazy, I wish I had a book telling me how to deal with all the emotions that are going through my head and realizing that that is how I act and how others perceive me.  It opens your eyes even wider than they were before.

Again, sorry for the lack of update. Hopefully this week as I read me about the disorder  I’ll be updating more.  I’ve mostly just been feeling blah and with lack of reliable internet at my parents and now the end of the channels that I used to watch, I’ll have plenty of time on my hands.

In other news, Friday the 13th did strike on me. My poor little Stella has an ear infection.  Hopefully the spray that I bought for her will help her feel better.

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The Family Business

Every doctor, therapist, psychiatrist, and hospital that I have gone to on this crazy ride have asked me the same question “do you have a family history of depression?”  And at the time I was being intensely treated I could only give the answer of “not that I’m aware.”

Through a recent family death on my maternal side I was able to find out that not only is depression prevalent in the family, but alcoholism as well.  Thankfully for me, I barely touch alcohol. I just hope I can keep that up in the long run.

Also, the other day I posted a youtube video and a quote about depression urging people not to minimize the disease and received a “like” from an unsuspecting individual, one of my cousins on my fathers side.  With that, I decided to send her a private message asking if she had gone through it and if she knew of anyone else in the family that had.  She told me that she is also on Effexor and that several people in the family have been recommended to take meds but have decided not to.

I’m absolutely amazed to find out that it is prevalent on both sides of my family tree. Hopefully know that I know that I can find out how it effects them and how they handle the ins and outs of things. But overall, it’s soothing to know that I’m not the only one.

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