Undoing Crazy

Naming my dog

It’s 11:40, I’m exhausted, I’ve been up since six a.m. and running since 10, and I still can’t find it in myself to go to sleep.  Tomorrow will be another long day. I can’t wait for Wednesday night to be all to myself and my girls.  I wish I could shut my mind off, not even the Ativan is doing that for me. Although it is helping me to make more rational decisions.

Depending on who’s around, I’ve decided to name the monster in my head either The Devil/The Bitch.  And it really depends on the day which one takes over. It seems now a days it’s either one or the other or both on the same day.

I just really need some sleep,

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I wish I knew myself as well as everyone else does.

This isn’t the first time in my life that I’ve felt like this, about a year and a half/two years ago I had a lot of the same feelings that I’ve been feeling lately but they just spontaneously ended, or rather went into remission.  I thought about attending therapy to try to get help, but with my health insurance at the time I needed a referral for them to pay for my visits and I wasn’t about to tell someone outside of the mental health profession that something is wrong and I need help.

At that time in my life I remember taking a couple days off of work and going into Chicago just to walk around and take everything in, I also remember taking a few yoga classes to try to get the benefits people claim. Unfortunately, I don’t have the ability to shut off my mind when I’m doing yoga or any meditative exercise so, I gave up.  (Maybe I can try to get all the things that could come to my mind during yoga out by writing before I start and try it again?)

There a many ways that you can handle and cope with depression, sadly because I’ve had one severe episode the chances of me having another is highly likely. What I can’t get to the root of is why it’s happening in the first place.  Through a lot reading on the subject I have found out that you don’t necessarily have to have a trigger to fall into a depressive state, although so many people I talk to would like to blame a close friend of mine for my moods even though I know he isn’t the single deciding factor in my depression.

Yes, I do like my friend for many obvious reason; he’s great to talk to, doesn’t judge me, and knows when I just need time to vent and get my frustrations out.  Since we decided not to begin a romantic relationship, many people feel that he is to blame for my negative attitude and view toward life.  I know deep in my heart that even if he decided right this second that he wanted to be with me all my pain and sorrow would not disappear.

In fact, Sally Brampton, the author of Shoot the Damn Dog summed it up perfectly; “my mood might have changed. The depression would not. But then you would not expect any other illness to lift according to the person who is standing in front of you, however happy they might make you feel.”  Because people only see the outside pain, they think that we can just snap out of our emotional turmoil.

In my opinion, I think my father traveling to another state for work weeks at a time had a bigger impact on me falling into a deep depression than any of the fights and rejection I’ve experienced with my close friend. If you don’t believe me, then, just find someone else to fix. I’m the only one who can fix me anyway!

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