Undoing Crazy

When you feel your dreams are dying, hold tight….

Today is the day, it’s the beginning of the year that will truly test my determination.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off, but I’m going to work my butt off.

Still can’t give details of what exactly is going down, but hopefully it will bring much needed change for the better to my life.

Feeling kind of crummy lately and really don’t want to go back on psych meds so I’ve started taking St. John’s wart. I took some before bed last night and had a somewhat better day today.

Can anyone give some tips on how to wake up early???  I drive an hour and a half to work everyday and waking up in the morning to go to work is always a big task. I’d love to wake up and make myself look better and play with makeup styles but my motivation is not there at all.

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Self compassion and myself

I have a really hard time with self compassion, this may be a big reason why I can’t get any man on the face of this earth to like me.

I can list a million things that are wrong with me and only a couple that are admirable traits. Yet I can tell complete strangers to have faith in themselves when I don’t have complete faith in myself. I can also give strangers compliments like no tomorrow but can’t give myself any.

I’m not sure how to go about changing this, it’s just been how I’m feeling lately. Or maybe because I can’t get a man I feel worthless. I know I’m not supposed to judge my worth based on other people but it’s really hard not to.

On a side note, I’ve been having a lot dreams lately that center around a school. Different parts of school, last night it was a gym class and I also keep having a recurring dream that my favorite old teacher is hosting a convention with my director of HR. Dream moods.com says To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
Both could really be feasible.

Last night my father made a comment about how he can’t believe I still have a job because I’ve missed so much work. This did not help my state of mind as I’ve already been feeling guilty about this and feel guilt and shame about it on almost a daily basis. I just keep hearing the words from my review and worry that they’ll come up again. Oye! So stressed.

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I’m back, and update….

I finally have official diagnosis’, I have; moderate recurrent major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder.  Wow, what a mouthful.  This happened yesterday, I kind of had an idea that my brain needed some work. I wasn’t expecting the GAD diagnosis, but considering that I worry about everything I suppose it should have been obvious.

The hardest part now isn’t learning about what’s wrong with me, it’s accepting what’s wrong with me and the fact that I still have a lot of work to do.  Dealing is the hardest.

Today I also return to work, I’m petrified.  I had to take an Ativan last night just to sleep and I took one today in hopes I can be calm and prepared.  I bought a few things to keep my hands busy when I’m nervous. Hopefully I won’t beat myself up too bad.  My assignment from my DBT therapist is to not judge myself and my assignment from my main therapist is to keep reading and learning about BPD.

My neck was killing me over the weekend so I got acupuncture this morning, my neck feels great now.  I love cupping.

I’ll be back and updating most everyday now that I’m back home.  Hope you’re excited to hear from me.

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Naming my dog

It’s 11:40, I’m exhausted, I’ve been up since six a.m. and running since 10, and I still can’t find it in myself to go to sleep.  Tomorrow will be another long day. I can’t wait for Wednesday night to be all to myself and my girls.  I wish I could shut my mind off, not even the Ativan is doing that for me. Although it is helping me to make more rational decisions.

Depending on who’s around, I’ve decided to name the monster in my head either The Devil/The Bitch.  And it really depends on the day which one takes over. It seems now a days it’s either one or the other or both on the same day.

I just really need some sleep,

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“That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.”

The title of this post is a quote from Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel, my current read.

A week ago today, despite everyone’s advice against it: I decided to stop taking my meds.  In all fairness, I was already feeling horrible and slept through my medication alarm on my phone and when I woke up the next morning (Tuesday, my birthday) I was feeling fine and thought I could handle not taking them.  I went to work all the while telling myself that I could make it without meds, and that I could pretend I was doing just fine even though I was falling apart on the inside.

Work started out fine, then about an hour in I started crying for reasons I can’t explain.  Then, I started to think about the meeting I had the day before about a job I had messed up before I went on leave and thought about the fact that I had delayed pediatric luekemia patients their last chance drug because I didn’t ask questions about the barcode. I also thought about the fact that I am feeling hopeless because I can’t find meds that work for me either.  I’m not a leukemia patient, but at times this thing that lives in my head seems just as bad, like it could kill me at any time.

I left work after my boss saw me crying and suggested I go home to try to deal with whatever was going on with me. (I still can’t tell you why I cried although I have a feeling it may be all the pent up emotions that I should have been feeling that my meds weren’t allowing me to feel.)  I took Wednesday off as well and went to group therapy at night hoping it would have the same empowering effect as it did the week before, sadly it didn’t.

Thursday morning I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 10:20, at 10:35 I still hadn’t been in to see him and a guy randomly showed up to talk to him about issues he was having with his medication and he pulled him in his office to talk to him.  At that point, I was irrate. I was having issues with my meds too, and I had an appointment!  Finally at 10:45 I went into his office and just went off telling him that I was still mad and that he wasn’t listening to me and that I needed new meds. Sadly, he took me off Effexor and kept me on the antipsychotic for schizophrenics that I feel isn’t doing anything but making me fat.  Now I’m on the antipsychotic twice a day, Cymbalta at night, and Ativan when needed.  I had an appointment with my therapist at 11 so I couldn’t stick around and have the session that I truly needed to have because he has no concept of time.

I made it to my therapy appointment with a little time to relax and try to cool down from yet another terrible psychiatrist session.  When my therapist called me back to her office she asked how I was doing and I just let out a huge sigh.  When I explained to her what was going on and that I had thought about admitting myself to the hospital on my birthday she immediately took me out of work and told me to go back to IOP. Actually, I’ll be starting PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program) tomorrow.  It differs from IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) in that it last longer through the day and you also see a psychiatrist once a week.  She even said that hospitalization could be a good option for me to get my meds straight the quick way.  I decided to save the hospital for when I really feel like I want to jump off a cliff again. (Which, the suicidal ideation came back last night)

My sleep is starting to be completely off and crazy, I was awake at six am today.  And I’m also eating like crazy.  Sadly, I have to go into school today and drop my creative writing class because I can’t kick this stupid guy that lives in my head.  I wish I could let the people at work that are disappointed in me and think I should just come out of this see that I have no control over what my mind does or thinks right now.  Hopefully with more work in CBT I can start to at least get some of it under control.

The guinea pigs are doing great, although Bella still has a hard time being held and they are both too afraid to take advantage of the multilevel aspect of their cage.  I bought them treats yesterday to feed them while they are being held and I also bought them so grass that I’ll grow for them.  They are a couple of spoiled little girls, despite the fact that I’m super broke.

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“I, being depressive, was totally focused on myself.”

The above is another quote from Hide & Seek by Wendy Aron, although I’m currently reading An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison.

Since I’ve started my recovery journey, I started to make an effort to text at least two people a day outside of my main support system as to not have them stuck with all the burden and just as an effort to not isolate myself as much as I have been.  Sadly, last night after writing the post that I did, I went home and went straight to bed because of a dibilitating headache.

I’m starting to see a trend in most of my messages to people, I completely take over the conversation and mostly just talk about what’s going on with me. As much as I try to be there for others, I think I might just be self-absorbed. Although this is nothing new, maybe it has an effect on why I became depressed and why I feel so alone. Or, maybe I was less self-absorbed before and didn’t notice it.

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anti-social

I’m trying to come up with a good topic to write about today, but I can’t currently come up with anything. I’m plagued by a terrible headache that won’t go away and unfortunatley just feel like going to bed.

With any luck though, I’ll go home, journal, work on my Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Workbook, read, and go to bed.

Tomorrow is my last day in IOP, maybe that’s part of the reason I’m feeling crumby today.

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a brief post on sleep and the depressed…

The sleeping habits of the depressed can be a many splendid thing.  And by splendid, I mean horribly confusing, at least in my experience with depression.

In the beginning, I could sleep all day and night, no problem. When I started Zoloft, in the very beginning of my recovery, I was weak from not eating and also wanted to sleep all the time.  When I switched to Effexor and started eating again I couldn’t stop thinking about things. And by not being able to control my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep either.

The struggle to find a psychiatrist was a completely different story, but after I finally found one that could fit me in, he prescribed Ambien.  I took an entire pill the first night that I also started a higher dosage of Effexor and a mood stabilizer, lets just say the result wasn’t a pretty picture the next day.  The rest of the week I used Ambien to sleep, but only took a half of a pill.  Even then, I couldn’t sleep the entire night. For some reason, my body wanted to wake up at 3 a.m. I’ve found through extensive reading on the subject that this is not uncommon for depressives.

Now that I feel like I have hit a mostly stable point in my medicine merry-go-round, I’m still having issues staying asleep at night.  For some reason my body still wants to wake up at 3 a.m. I typically get up, take a little walk around the place and lay back down and fall asleep shortly after.  Right now, I suppose I should just be thankful to get the sleep.

On a side note, I’ve also discovered that it is greatly amusing to watch people and make up a story about their life.  I think I’m really going to enjoy the new writing kick that I’m on.

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