Undoing Crazy

When you feel your dreams are dying, hold tight….

Today is the day, it’s the beginning of the year that will truly test my determination.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off, but I’m going to work my butt off.

Still can’t give details of what exactly is going down, but hopefully it will bring much needed change for the better to my life.

Feeling kind of crummy lately and really don’t want to go back on psych meds so I’ve started taking St. John’s wart. I took some before bed last night and had a somewhat better day today.

Can anyone give some tips on how to wake up early???  I drive an hour and a half to work everyday and waking up in the morning to go to work is always a big task. I’d love to wake up and make myself look better and play with makeup styles but my motivation is not there at all.


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I scheduled an appointment with my therapist Friday morning and I was starting to feel better until I came home Saturday morning and someone had decided that I had taken long enough to clean my room and took it into their own hands. The joys of living with your parents.

On a positive note, I’ve come up with a goal to work really hard on. And considering my new bill my father gave me I’ll have to work extra hard. I can’t give too many details right now but it’s gonna be a drastic life change.

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Another update

Why do weekends go by so fast?  I can’t wait to retire, or at least find a job that I don’t dread going to everyday.

There’s several things I don’t like about my life right now. 1) my job. 2) the messiness of my area. 3) my lack of being a female. 4) all of my emotional issues that keep me from forming and keeping friendships. 5) living in the midwest. 6) my lack of money. 7) not writing even though I enjoy it. 8) not working out.

I suppose I’ll work on the thing that’s the easiest to change off hand and work on my room slowly but surely.  I need to take time out EVERYDAY to work on it.  Not just when I feel like. I think even just taking five minutes a day will make a big impact. Not as big as buckling down, but I’m just not that great at buckling down on things.

I’ll let you know the status of the clean up in the next couple of posts.


Follow Up

I find it quite ironic that my last post was exactly a year ago today. It’s crazy how I find myself repeating things like that. In fact, I’m still struggling with the same issue from my last post. Since then, he has reconciled and once again decided to completely leave me behind.

I’m still working the same job and have since moved three times to place me back into my hometown and living with my parents. Not the ideal situation on many levels including an hour and a half commute.

I’ve been struggling with my identity lately.  Hoping that a trip to Las Vegas would help put me in perspective, but only brought me back to reality with a stomach ulcer that’s kept me from work for a week.

Does anyone else just wish there could be a sign to point them in the right direction?

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Just when I was up I get dragged down

Because I’m not sure who reads this blog, I’m not going to go into specifics about exactly what happened last week. Although I promise to mention it to my individual therapist. I did skip group therapy tonight as I had the day off and the weather was bad and really I just didn’t want to leave the house.

Last week, Valentine’s Day to be exact. Which I should mention I decided not to be a grouch about still being single, but in a meeting one comment could almost drag me back to the hospital. I received a first shift position at my job due to a previous operator’s resignation. He was notorious for being a bad operator, with almost daily paperwork errors and “surprises” for the next step in our jobs. An ex boss made a comment about how this year’s numbers aren’t as good because this guy was a better operator.

This put me in an instant bad mood. All day it was all I could think about, then my press went down. The next day I ran a machine I haven’t ran since last September and wouldn’t you know, I messed up a job by overlooking telescoping rolls and had to throw a lot of it away. The more I threw away the more upset I got. I had to leave the room to cry, I considered asking to leave but just couldn’t face my boss. All I thought at the time was that I should be better by now.

I’m not sure how tomorrow will go if the guy is there again but I’ll have to face him for a while so I better swallow my hatred for him and just tell myself to deal with it.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. I LOVE it. Although some parts have absolutely horrible acting.

I bought myself a pack of 80’s Glam sharpies and to my sadness they bleed through my Moleskine. I bought a mixed media sketch book so hopefully that will work and I shall pour my thoughts while also writing a book with it. I’m excited about the project.

Through twitter I heard about this show called My Mad Fat Diary I watched the entire thing today and enjoyed that as well. If you have about six hours, check it out. It’s on YouTube. Be careful though, it can be triggering.

I suppose that’s all, thanks for listening.


Self compassion and myself

I have a really hard time with self compassion, this may be a big reason why I can’t get any man on the face of this earth to like me.

I can list a million things that are wrong with me and only a couple that are admirable traits. Yet I can tell complete strangers to have faith in themselves when I don’t have complete faith in myself. I can also give strangers compliments like no tomorrow but can’t give myself any.

I’m not sure how to go about changing this, it’s just been how I’m feeling lately. Or maybe because I can’t get a man I feel worthless. I know I’m not supposed to judge my worth based on other people but it’s really hard not to.

On a side note, I’ve been having a lot dreams lately that center around a school. Different parts of school, last night it was a gym class and I also keep having a recurring dream that my favorite old teacher is hosting a convention with my director of HR. Dream moods.com says To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.

Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
Both could really be feasible.

Last night my father made a comment about how he can’t believe I still have a job because I’ve missed so much work. This did not help my state of mind as I’ve already been feeling guilty about this and feel guilt and shame about it on almost a daily basis. I just keep hearing the words from my review and worry that they’ll come up again. Oye! So stressed.


It’s Been Awhile

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’d like to make this a regular thing again but I won’t make any promises I may not be able to keep.

I haven’t had thoughts of suicide in a long time, although I struggle with negative self talk almost everyday. I’m still in DBT group, I actually just started my second round of DBT group. Because I’m still struggling a lot and didn’t really do my homework like I should have I decided to take it over again.

I’ve been trying to date by using online dating sites but I haven’t had any luck and this has really torn me down. For the past couple weeks I really haven’t been feel good about myself.

I joined the Y and started to swim a couple days a week but I haven’t been in two weeks now and this week I was put on bed rest due to an icky virus. Hopefully I’ll start feeling better and can get back at it next week. Also, during the two weeks I was swimming I was also eating better, but when I took time off I went back to bad habits.

Work has been going well and I actually nailed a first shift spot. I’ve been really working hard to be at work all the time and I feel bad about not being there now.

I hope to keep you updated on my daily struggles if only to keep a log for myself. Hope you enjoyed reading.

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I want a sponsor I can call on any time of day

I’ve been feeling terrible the last couple days, maybe it’s just returning to work but I’ve been feeling a lot like dying and cutting myself. I’ve never cut myself before, but working with razor blades makes it so enticing. It’s hard to tell friends or family who haven’t gone through it about it, they all say “just think positive” if only I could.

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First day back at work….

Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.  Everyone was very welcoming, I even received a few hugs. Almost everyone said “hi” and the ones that didn’t I didn’t try to take so personal.  We had a fire drill right away and a few people joked that they were going to blame it on me.  “Right, blame the crazy girl” is what I said back and they replied with “everyone is a little bit crazy.”  If only everyone had labels for their version of crazy, maybe I would feel better when I hear that.

I’ve been very hesitant about dating while I’m in recovery, every person that has been interested in me I’ve been very straightforward and honest with.  Last night, in a roundabout way I asked a guy if he would consider dating me still. (I know that he expressed wanting to before, while I was still very hesitant)  He said he would rather we just be friends and that he needs time to figure out what he wants and how he can get it.  My question is, did men learn this in school? That’s the second time I’ve heard that excuse to not take the next step.  Ugh.

Looks like I’ll be single for a while still.  I suppose, it could be worse.

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