Undoing Crazy

I couldn’t have said this better. When I’m not mad at G I’m gonna send him this. He’s unbelievably patient and could have walked away a million times but hasn’t.

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Haven’t been feeling very great about myself lately. That’s why I haven’t really said much. Been laying in bed self loathing and fighting with my friend about how he’s not giving me enough attention.

I have poor social skills.

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30 Day Song Challenge Day 6

I realize I’m a day behind. It’s morning though so I can still pretend it’s yesterday.

A song you can always relate too: P!nk – Lonely Girl. This song has always resonated with me. It seems I’ve always been a lonely girl that is trying to find herself and never knows what she has. Hopefully one day that can change. : /

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A new med

For a long time I haven’t been able to sleep through the entire night without waking up at least twice in the night. Just to wake up, not to pee or anything.

I’ve brought this issue up to my psychiatrist because it leaves me feeling groggy all day long. He upped my dosage of Seroquel the last time I saw him but that still hasn’t helped.

Today I decided to call and get a prescription for Trazadone which was my other option the last time I saw him. The last thing I want to do is take another medication and have to remember taking it for that matter but if it helps me to sleep maybe it can help with my other cognitive functioning as well. We shall see.

Thanks for listening.

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30 Day Song Challenge Day 5

A song that has a new meaning to you everytime you hear it – Simple Kind of Life – No Doubt. It’s weird to have new meaning with songs because songs are so constant but when I hear this song I always change my mind back and forth back and forth.

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30 Day Song Challenge Day 4

Sorry guys, I’m super tired so this will be my only update for the day.

A song that reminds you of something sad: Letters From The Sky by Civil Twilight.

Everytime I hear this song I’m reminded of one of my best friends growing up who has passed. I can’t help but think I could have changed things. I miss him everyday.

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As promised, a real blog post

I have many ideas for topics that I’d like to write about, in fact today my brain has been exploding with thoughts. I’m having the worst time concentrating. Work was horrendous!

I wanted to talk about my take on meds but maybe I’ll save that for a later date.

I have to apologize for the bland formatting on my posts lately as I have gotten rid of cable and Internet at my house and am currently writing posts from my iPhone. It gets the job done!

I suppose I’ll go into my complete lack of self esteem that I’ve had lately. I’m incredibly poor right now and the last thing I need to do is miss work because I’m sick but I had to last week. And once again heard about it from my parents last night. I think they think I enjoy not being at work. Who enjoys not getting paid? I don’t know many people. I feel like I may have a breakdown coming on so the last thing I need to do is completely breakdown. I’m just trying to be prepared by going over DBT skills everyday. The app I talked about the other day is super helpful for that and I love how easy it is for me to just add in notes throughout the day. WAY BETTER than carrying around a diary card. Which I didn’t really do.

Onto my self esteem, I’m not sure why but I just feel like a complete piece of shit. I think it could be due to my lack of friends and a relationship, but how am I supposed to be a good friend or girlfriend if I can’t stand myself? I should have gone to the Y after work today, but I just drove right by. The next day I’m available to go will be Wednesday. I think I should go and not make any excuses at all.

I’ve been trying to be more “girly” too. But the only thing I can really do on a regular basis is wear my contacts. That doesn’t really make me that much girlier.

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I’m very scared to have the year turn out like last. I changed the scent in my Scentsy tonight and picked up a few things that were laying around the house but it’s still no where near being as clean as I want it to be and that’s another thing that gets to me that I just can’t bring myself to doing. It just upsets me so much I go lay in my bed and watch a movie or play on my phone.

If anyone has had success in learning to love themselves and have self respect, please feel free to share. I’m willing to try almost anything.

Thanks for listening.

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Beauty and the Borderline

Orange Flames

Check out this article on what it’s like to have Borderline Personality Disorder from Mind, a mental health charity in the UK.

The burn of borderline personality disorder – Mind

Posted Friday 25 January 2013

Marsha Linehan, an American psychologist and author uses a great analogy to describe what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is…

” People with BPD are like people with third degree burns over 90 percent of their body. Lacking emotional skin, they feel agony at the slightest touch or movement”.

Try to imagine that third degree burn, over 90 percent of your body, a physical wound, one that is painful, raw and sensitive; suppose someone tries to put a lotion on that wound, a wound that cannot be touched without causing intense agony. Imagine the pain that you would have to endure just to begin the healing process.

Now imagine the same for an emotional wound.

Physical…

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30 Day Song Challenge Day 3

I promise I will have a real post later tonight. I would have last night but I was excited about the Super Bowl and it was late.

Day 3 – a song that makes you laugh; KJOMD by Tech N9ne. This song is hilarious. I’ve been trying to find it on YouTube but I haven’t been able to locate it. If you’re not easily offended and want a good laugh, I suggest checking it out.

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30 Day Song Challenge Day 2

A song that helps clear your head: I’ll have to say The New Radicals – You Get What You Give. It’s a song I get into fully whenever I hear it. It’s just a good upbeat tune.

By the way, the Ravens won the Super Bowl and I’m mad excited about it!!!!

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