When you feel your dreams are dying, hold tight….

Today is the day, it’s the beginning of the year that will truly test my determination.  I’m not sure how I’m going to pull it off, but I’m going to work my butt off.

Still can’t give details of what exactly is going down, but hopefully it will bring much needed change for the better to my life.

Feeling kind of crummy lately and really don’t want to go back on psych meds so I’ve started taking St. John’s wart. I took some before bed last night and had a somewhat better day today.

Can anyone give some tips on how to wake up early???  I drive an hour and a half to work everyday and waking up in the morning to go to work is always a big task. I’d love to wake up and make myself look better and play with makeup styles but my motivation is not there at all.

No title

I scheduled an appointment with my therapist Friday morning and I was starting to feel better until I came home Saturday morning and someone had decided that I had taken long enough to clean my room and took it into their own hands. The joys of living with your parents.

On a positive note, I’ve come up with a goal to work really hard on. And considering my new bill my father gave me I’ll have to work extra hard. I can’t give too many details right now but it’s gonna be a drastic life change.

Another update

Why do weekends go by so fast?  I can’t wait to retire, or at least find a job that I don’t dread going to everyday.

There’s several things I don’t like about my life right now. 1) my job. 2) the messiness of my area. 3) my lack of being a female. 4) all of my emotional issues that keep me from forming and keeping friendships. 5) living in the midwest. 6) my lack of money. 7) not writing even though I enjoy it. 8) not working out.

I suppose I’ll work on the thing that’s the easiest to change off hand and work on my room slowly but surely.  I need to take time out EVERYDAY to work on it.  Not just when I feel like. I think even just taking five minutes a day will make a big impact. Not as big as buckling down, but I’m just not that great at buckling down on things.

I’ll let you know the status of the clean up in the next couple of posts.

Just when I was up I get dragged down

Because I’m not sure who reads this blog, I’m not going to go into specifics about exactly what happened last week. Although I promise to mention it to my individual therapist. I did skip group therapy tonight as I had the day off and the weather was bad and really I just didn’t want to leave the house.

Last week, Valentine’s Day to be exact. Which I should mention I decided not to be a grouch about still being single, but in a meeting one comment could almost drag me back to the hospital. I received a first shift position at my job due to a previous operator’s resignation. He was notorious for being a bad operator, with almost daily paperwork errors and “surprises” for the next step in our jobs. An ex boss made a comment about how this year’s numbers aren’t as good because this guy was a better operator.

This put me in an instant bad mood. All day it was all I could think about, then my press went down. The next day I ran a machine I haven’t ran since last September and wouldn’t you know, I messed up a job by overlooking telescoping rolls and had to throw a lot of it away. The more I threw away the more upset I got. I had to leave the room to cry, I considered asking to leave but just couldn’t face my boss. All I thought at the time was that I should be better by now.

I’m not sure how tomorrow will go if the guy is there again but I’ll have to face him for a while so I better swallow my hatred for him and just tell myself to deal with it.

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower this weekend. I LOVE it. Although some parts have absolutely horrible acting.

I bought myself a pack of 80’s Glam sharpies and to my sadness they bleed through my Moleskine. I bought a mixed media sketch book so hopefully that will work and I shall pour my thoughts while also writing a book with it. I’m excited about the project.

Through twitter I heard about this show called My Mad Fat Diary I watched the entire thing today and enjoyed that as well. If you have about six hours, check it out. It’s on YouTube. Be careful though, it can be triggering.

I suppose that’s all, thanks for listening.

Feeling Up

Today is the first day in a long while I have actually felt, calm. For the most part, I’m really trying to limit my texting to G. I wanted to go two days without doing it or just wait for him to text me but I texted him telling him I was sorry I told him I hated him. Personally, I don’t think that counts, it was a three message exchange and it was done. I’ll give myself a pass.

I really need to get back in the pool, almost went today but I didn’t. I bought a mouth guard to train with the Roller Derby team by my parents house on Thursday. I need to call and make sure they are still having practice though due to the holiday.

Surprisingly, I’m not bitter about the upcoming holiday in which I’m reminded how many years I’ve spent single. I actually plan to post my favorite love songs on Facebook for all to enjoy.

Thanks for reading.

As promised, a real blog post

I have many ideas for topics that I’d like to write about, in fact today my brain has been exploding with thoughts. I’m having the worst time concentrating. Work was horrendous!

I wanted to talk about my take on meds but maybe I’ll save that for a later date.

I have to apologize for the bland formatting on my posts lately as I have gotten rid of cable and Internet at my house and am currently writing posts from my iPhone. It gets the job done!

I suppose I’ll go into my complete lack of self esteem that I’ve had lately. I’m incredibly poor right now and the last thing I need to do is miss work because I’m sick but I had to last week. And once again heard about it from my parents last night. I think they think I enjoy not being at work. Who enjoys not getting paid? I don’t know many people. I feel like I may have a breakdown coming on so the last thing I need to do is completely breakdown. I’m just trying to be prepared by going over DBT skills everyday. The app I talked about the other day is super helpful for that and I love how easy it is for me to just add in notes throughout the day. WAY BETTER than carrying around a diary card. Which I didn’t really do.

Onto my self esteem, I’m not sure why but I just feel like a complete piece of shit. I think it could be due to my lack of friends and a relationship, but how am I supposed to be a good friend or girlfriend if I can’t stand myself? I should have gone to the Y after work today, but I just drove right by. The next day I’m available to go will be Wednesday. I think I should go and not make any excuses at all.

I’ve been trying to be more “girly” too. But the only thing I can really do on a regular basis is wear my contacts. That doesn’t really make me that much girlier.

I feel like I’m stuck in a vicious cycle and I’m very scared to have the year turn out like last. I changed the scent in my Scentsy tonight and picked up a few things that were laying around the house but it’s still no where near being as clean as I want it to be and that’s another thing that gets to me that I just can’t bring myself to doing. It just upsets me so much I go lay in my bed and watch a movie or play on my phone.

If anyone has had success in learning to love themselves and have self respect, please feel free to share. I’m willing to try almost anything.

Thanks for listening.

Since being sick a second time…

Since I was put on bed rest I decided to open up the WordPress app and take a look at what has been going on in the mental health blogosphere. It has made me come to realize that since I got out of the hospital I really haven’t been taking my mental health goals as seriously as I should.

I just started my second round of DBT by my choice because I really didn’t do the homework like I should. And skills cards! Oh, those will be the death of me. However I did find a DBT App yesterday that I like. I do believe the name is just DBT. It allows you to keep daily skills cards and email them to yourself and your therapist. It also is a coach to explain the different aspects of DBT. It was $4.99 in the iTunes App Store and so far it’s been worth it.

I’m not very good at sticking with things but hopefully I can get it together to make myself a happier and healthier person. I’m going to start reading the Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide tonight and also try to work at my DBT homework again. When I first sat down to do it I wasn’t feeling very good about myself and was only able to write several self critical statements but no self compassion statements.

I need to start sticking to things! Any suggestions on how to are welcome.

Thanks for listening.

Pets and Therapy

In the partial hospitalization program you attend group sessions from 9 am to almost 3 pm.  They give handouts in the beginning of the week telling us all what the groups will be throughout the day.  Today I was very excited for pet therapy.  In pet therapy we ended up just talking like regular group therapy but with a Rottweiler puppy in attendance as well.  We went around the room with treats for her and pet her after all the treats were gone.  She took a particular liking to me, which is good because I love dogs.

Because I can’t  have dogs or cats in my condo that I am renting, I decided to get a couple of guinea pigs for some companionship.  I’m amazed at how mentally absorbed I’ve become in my guinea pigs. I’m excited to get home to them and sad when I have to leave them.  I often think of them throughout the day and worry about them as I would a child.  I like that I have something to think about and occupy my mind because I often used to just worry about every random thing.  Thinking about them is a refreshing change.

I’m also excited to report that I actually started to feel hopeful today.  In expressive therapy I was able to work on a collage of what I wanted my future to look like, I know that I wouldn’t have been able to do that a month ago.  I was also able to make a list of goals.  Here is what I came up with in order of which I feel I could accomplish most easily.

• Try acupuncture. *I went to a place in town and actually made an appointment for this Friday. I’ll keep you updated on how it went.
• Get into a writing habit.
• Get my apartment cleaned and organized.
• Get my guinea pigs to trust me and want to be held by me.
• Happily return to work.
• Sell items I don’t use on eBay or at a garage sale. Donate what won’t sell.
• Do volunteer work.
• Look into a secondary insurance plan.
• Keep an eye out for a first shift/challenging position using my degree or that requires a bachelors degree.
• Get my debt payed off.

I also started seeing the psychiatrist I’ve been assigned in the program and so far I don’t mind him. He changed my meds again, I’ll be going back to Effexor and starting Abilify.  Hopefully that can do what the Fanapt is not doing.  I just want to feel better.